Yes, we all love books here. In fact, you should probably be reading one instead of this website, but come on. You’re on the toilet or the subway right now. That’s no time for mind-expanding fiction.

Sometimes, you want to unwind with a few funny short jokes. Thankfully, that’s really all anyone is posting on Twitter these days (unless you count all the un-Democratic misinformation. There’s always room for that on social media.).

Not everyone is built to write the next great American novel. Some people like to fit their genius ideas into a tweet under 240 characters. That’s good for everyone. We don’t always have the attention span for a long, drawn-out essay about our first sexual experience or a reflection on the pervasive ennui that affects all novelists. None of these people have the attention span to write anything longer, I promise you.

Unless we’re counting a half-hour comedy spec script. Many of the people below have a ton of those. For now, let’s read the funny tweets that deserve a Pulitzer.

Here are the funniest tweets I had time to find this week:

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big news, my bodega guy promoted me from “boss” to “my brother”

— dan the rock yang (@realDANYANG) February 7, 2022

11.

Someone should invent an alarm clock where the alarm is the sound of a dog about to throw up. Because nothing wakes me up and gets me out of bed faster than that.

— Paul Feig (@paulfeig) February 8, 2022

12.

These motherfuckers said https://t.co/PrScNyhihY pic.twitter.com/uwWoyKaZfY

— Rancho Coochiemuncha (@LangstonKerman) February 7, 2022

13.

https://twitter.com/katewillett/status/1490464566991630348?s=20&t=JPR0gsSBNKOAk9CXsUyfdg

14.

Just spent one full hour at the gym!

I was trying to cancel my membership. But still that’s pretty good.

— Joe List (@JoeListComedy) February 3, 2022

15.

One straight couple thing that gay people absolutely cannot comprehend is “agreeing to disagree” about politics. I know lesbians who’ve broken up because one of them voted for the wrong comptroller.

— Samantha Ruddy (@samlymatters) February 3, 2022

16.

My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.

— Ted Alexandro (@tedalexandro) February 3, 2022

17.

https://twitter.com/jtharuler/status/1488708796012707840?s=20&t=JPR0gsSBNKOAk9CXsUyfdg

18.

why do people say "give birth" and not "leggo my preggo"?

— Myq (Parenthetical) Kaplan (@myqkaplan) February 1, 2022

19.

The job of a comedian isn’t to make you feel safe, it’s to get your Uber Eats order quickly and safely to your house.

— Nick Turner (@NicksTurners) February 6, 2022

20.

Bonding with my friend’s baby… pic.twitter.com/4kKwMMNlE5

— Emily Fleming (@FlemilyEming) February 6, 2022

21.

Fuck a NFT. Y’all need to be getting up on all these books they banning. Real American History about to be the new collectible

— Roy Wood Jr- Ex Jedi (@roywoodjr) February 5, 2022

22.

https://twitter.com/GaryGulman/status/1489654636797640704?s=20&t=JPR0gsSBNKOAk9CXsUyfdg

23.

https://twitter.com/ianabramson/status/1489327840298512388?s=20&t=JPR0gsSBNKOAk9CXsUyfdg

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https://twitter.com/Prof_Hinkley/status/1488586458986430472?s=20&t=JPR0gsSBNKOAk9CXsUyfdg

25.

i have a client at 9 am, she gone dm me 7:45 talking about i’m here????? lmfaoooo OK????? see you at 9 tf😭

— 1K (@teys01k) January 31, 2022

See more funny content from Better Book Titles:

• Here Are Some Hilarious Fake Retitles For Famous Children’s Books (33 Pics)

• Wow, There’s A Sentence I’ve Never Read Before (30 Pics)

• Everybody’s A Critic – The Best Of The Worst Funny One-Star Reviews On Goodreads