Yes, we all love books here. In fact, you should probably be reading one instead of this website, but come on. You’re on the toilet or the subway right now. That’s no time for mind-expanding fiction.
Sometimes, you want to unwind with a few funny short jokes. Thankfully, that’s really all anyone is posting on Twitter these days (unless you count all the un-Democratic misinformation. There’s always room for that on social media.).
Not everyone is built to write the next great American novel. Some people like to fit their genius ideas into a tweet under 240 characters. That’s good for everyone. We don’t always have the attention span for a long, drawn-out essay about our first sexual experience or a reflection on the pervasive ennui that affects all novelists. None of these people have the attention span to write anything longer, I promise you.
Unless we’re counting a half-hour comedy spec script. Many of the people below have a ton of those. For now, let’s read the funny tweets that deserve a Pulitzer.
Here are the funniest tweets I had time to find this week:
big news, my bodega guy promoted me from “boss” to “my brother”
— dan the rock yang (@realDANYANG) February 7, 2022
Someone should invent an alarm clock where the alarm is the sound of a dog about to throw up. Because nothing wakes me up and gets me out of bed faster than that.
— Paul Feig (@paulfeig) February 8, 2022
These motherfuckers said https://t.co/PrScNyhihY pic.twitter.com/uwWoyKaZfY
— Rancho Coochiemuncha (@LangstonKerman) February 7, 2022
Comedians are just like Ancient Greek philosophers in that some of them are attracted to teenagers
— Kate Willett (@katewillett) February 6, 2022
Just spent one full hour at the gym!
I was trying to cancel my membership. But still that’s pretty good.
— Joe List (@JoeListComedy) February 3, 2022
One straight couple thing that gay people absolutely cannot comprehend is “agreeing to disagree” about politics. I know lesbians who’ve broken up because one of them voted for the wrong comptroller.
— Samantha Ruddy (@samlymatters) February 3, 2022
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
— Ted Alexandro (@tedalexandro) February 3, 2022
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
— J. ✰ (@jtharuler) February 2, 2022
why do people say "give birth" and not "leggo my preggo"?
— Myq (2022) Kaplan (@myqkaplan) February 1, 2022
The job of a comedian isn’t to make you feel safe, it’s to get your Uber Eats order quickly and safely to your house.
— Nick Turner 🦍 (@NicksTurners) February 6, 2022
Bonding with my friend’s baby… pic.twitter.com/4kKwMMNlE5
— Emily Fleming (@FlemilyEming) February 6, 2022
Fuck a NFT. Y’all need to be getting up on all these books they banning. Real American History about to be the new collectible
— Roy Wood Jr- Ex Jedi (@roywoodjr) February 5, 2022
I feel like Silence of the Lambs ruined it for guys with a broken arm who sincerely need a little help hoisting a recliner into a van.
— (((Gary Gulman))) (@GaryGulman) February 4, 2022
If Batman's parents were hit by a car he would have just gotten really into infrastructure.
— Ian Abramson (@ianabramson) February 3, 2022
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza'd the hut and they are after me
— The Travis variant (@Prof_Hinkley) February 1, 2022
i have a client at 9 am, she gone dm me 7:45 talking about i’m here????? lmfaoooo OK????? see you at 9 tf😭
— 1K (@1kttey) January 31, 2022
See more funny content from Better Book Titles:
Here Are Some Hilarious Fake Retitles For Famous Children’s Books (33 Pics)
Wow, There’s A Sentence I’ve Never Read Before (30 Pics)
Everybody’s A Critic – The Best Of The Worst Funny One-Star Reviews On Goodreads
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