25 Funny Pulitzer-Worthy Tweets From This Week

Yes, we all love books here. In fact, you should probably be reading one instead of this website, but come on. You’re on the toilet or the subway right now. That’s no time for mind-expanding fiction.

Sometimes, you want to unwind with a few funny short jokes. Thankfully, that’s really all anyone is posting on Twitter these days (unless you count all the un-Democratic misinformation. There’s always room for that on social media.).

Not everyone is built to write the next great American novel. Some people like to fit their genius ideas into a tweet under 240 characters. That’s good for everyone. We don’t always have the attention span for a long, drawn-out essay about our first sexual experience or a reflection on the pervasive ennui that affects all novelists. None of these people have the attention span to write anything longer, I promise you.

Unless we’re counting a half-hour comedy spec script. Many of the people below have a ton of those. For now, let’s read the funny tweets that deserve a Pulitzer.

Here are the funniest tweets I had time to find this week:

1. Fun Fact:

2. Amazing if true.

3. Same.

4. Well, well, well.

5. I will never sing it the same way again.

6. Sounds like a plan.

7. We’ve all felt the urge.

8. Glory Days.

9. Happy Belated Thanksgiving!

10.

11.

Conservative dads are amazing because they can believe in GOD but not a chemical imbalance in your brain.
— Taylor Tomlinson (@taylortomlinson) November 26, 2021

12.

Why is knuckle sandwich the only food euphemism for punching someone? How about fist omelette. Or punch burger? Or you could kick someone and it would be a foot burrito. Are some options. Ok not my best work.
— Andrés du Bouchet (@amdubouchet) November 28, 2021

13.

I loooove having alone time as long as it is for six minutes at most
— Alyssa Limperis (@alyssalimp) November 28, 2021

14.

Nothing but respect for MY Beatles. pic.twitter.com/N2Bg7CWndL
— Jason Diamond (@imjasondiamond) November 27, 2021

15. I think we all know what she’s referencing.

This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
— Isla McKetta, MFA | #DreamBigFightHard (@islaisreading) November 26, 2021

16.

We need a “Thanksgiving” filter that adds seasoning and 35 more minutes in the oven to these pics of plates of food some of y’all insist on sharing.
— Akilah Green (@akilahgreen) November 25, 2021

17.

I’ve been thinking about U2 a lot more lately, specifically because a medication I’ve been taking can be taken “with or without food”
— Andrew Mayer (@mayercomedy) November 25, 2021

18.

I disguise my age by having the insecurity of a much younger woman
— Ginny Hogan_ (@ginnyhogan_) November 25, 2021

19.

My doctor giving me a physical: https://t.co/Cn6l8WPeMk
— Better Book Titles (@betterbooktitle) November 24, 2021

20. The funniest Twitter thread I’ve seen in a while. Orson Welles reviewing everything.

He chills me…a ghoul who conjures the human solipsism that has fucked this earth. Reducing the noble feline to a pantomime of petty personhood with our calendar and indulgent hungers inflicted on him…deprived of his own mystery? It is Man this Garfield should hate, not Monday pic.twitter.com/yAHRHQ3EaF
— Marty Punkhouser (@NoChorus) November 19, 2021

21.

At the first Thanksgiving, do you think any pilgrims ate so much they had to loosen the buckle on their hats?
— Paul Rust (@paulrust) November 25, 2021

22.

Let’s be realistic. The Decent Gatbsy.
— Ginny Hogan_ (@ginnyhogan_) November 24, 2021

23.

Do the people who make duplicate keys know how hard it would be for us to do that on our own? It takes them like 30 seconds, and they charge like $3, but if I had to figure it out myself, it would cost me several months and fingers.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) November 23, 2021