Yes, we all love books here. In fact, you should probably be reading one instead of this website, but come on. You’re on the toilet or the subway right now. That’s no time for mind-expanding fiction.
Sometimes, you want to unwind with a few funny short jokes. Thankfully, that’s really all anyone is posting on Twitter these days (unless you count all the un-Democratic misinformation. There’s always room for that on social media.).
Not everyone is built to write the next great American novel. Some people like to fit their genius ideas into a tweet under 240 characters. That’s good for everyone. We don’t always have the attention span for a long, drawn-out essay about our first sexual experience or a reflection on the pervasive ennui that affects all novelists. None of these people have the attention span to write anything longer, I promise you.
Unless we’re counting a half-hour comedy spec script. Many of the people below have a ton of those. For now, let’s read the funny tweets that deserve a Pulitzer.
Here are the funniest tweets I had time to find this week:
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My mum just waited until the dog had walked out the room to tell me what she'd bought him for Christmas.
— Louise Haigh (@LouHaigh) December 23, 2021
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When you mess up the poached egg pic.twitter.com/F7v29BtRu7
— William Stone (@itswilliamstone) December 25, 2021
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no I did not “let myself go.” it happened without my consent actually
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) December 27, 2021
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In the original lyrics, one of the “Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap” offered by AC/DC was removing wall-to-wall carpeting.
— Fake Music Facts (@FakeMusicFact) December 21, 2021
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We grew up so poor our holy infant could only be tender OR mild.
— George Wallace (@MrGeorgeWallace) December 20, 2021
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My gf and I started dating during the first lockdown and if we go back into lockdown we will have been together for 1,362 years
— gianmarco (@GianmarcoSoresi) December 19, 2021
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Heard about a drug dealer who was caught with all his drugs wrapped around his penis. If I tried that, I’d only be charged with a misdemeanor.
— Dan Wilbur (@DanWilbur) December 25, 2021
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My favorite waxing place.
10/10 would recommend. pic.twitter.com/VkEShw2exU
— Kambri Crews (@kambri) December 27, 2021
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It used to bother me that everyone thinks they can be a comedian. I would think: It’s a skill, it’s not like people think this way about doctors!! But bc of covid I realized people also think that way about doctors. What I’m trying to say is: comedians are doctors.
— Katie Hannigan (@katiehannigan) December 26, 2021
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has there ever been a lazier and more confusing lyric than "here comes santa claus, right down santa claus lane"? its literally the first line of the song and they gave up immediately.
— Luke Mones (@LukeMones) November 29, 2018
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Girl at the beginning of “Baby Got Back” voice:
O Mi Cron
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) December 22, 2021
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“Dreams are powerful omens”
MY DREAMS: ok once you finish buying all the hats in the mall it’s time to make dinner
— eli yudin (@eliyudin) December 23, 2021
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Every secondary character in a Marvel show ends up being some super hero. Oh, you thought that was just a waiter? Turns out that was “Serverissimo!”
— Anthony DeVito – Carolines, NYC Jan 1 (@AnthonyDeVito_) December 23, 2021
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Covid is out there guys. Be careful and stay safe pic.twitter.com/vTbtW3xEs0
— Chris Distefano (@chrisdcomedy) December 22, 2021
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Coffee is great, because instead of being tired and unmotivated, you can be wide awake and unmotivated
— Ginny Hogan_ (@ginnyhogan_) December 21, 2021
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the funniest part of the 2011 comedy "Contagion" is when they invent a lifesaving vaccine at the end, and then everyone takes the vaccine. hahahaha fantastic writing
— Rob DenBleyker (@RobDenBleyker) December 21, 2021
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My man looks like Norman Bates. pic.twitter.com/iRDgqNI9cM
— Better Book Titles (@betterbooktitle) December 21, 2021
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I thought ‘Don’t Look Up’ was a drama but it’s actually a comety
— Kat Dennings (@OfficialKat) December 27, 2021
See more great content from Better Book Titles:
Here Are Some Hilarious Fake Retitles For Famous Children’s Books (33 Pics)
Wow, There’s A Sentence I’ve Never Read Before (30 Pics)
Everybody’s A Critic – The Best Of The Worst Funny One-Star Reviews On Goodreads
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