Sometimes, you want to unwind with a few funny short jokes. Thankfully, that’s really all anyone is posting on Twitter these days (unless you count all the un-Democratic misinformation. There’s always room for that on social media.).
Not everyone is built to write the next great American novel. Some people like to fit their genius ideas into a tweet under 240 characters. That’s good for everyone. We don’t always have the attention span for a long, drawn-out essay about our first sexual experience or a reflection on the pervasive ennui that affects all novelists. None of these people have the attention span to write anything longer, I promise you.
Unless we’re counting a half-hour comedy spec script. Many of the people below have a ton of those. For now, let’s read the funny tweets that deserve a Pulitzer.
Here are the funniest tweets I had time to find this week:
My mum just waited until the dog had walked out the room to tell me what she'd bought him for Christmas.
— Louise Haigh (@LouHaigh) December 23, 2021
When you mess up the poached egg pic.twitter.com/F7v29BtRu7
— William Stone (@itswilliamstone) December 25, 2021
no I did not “let myself go.” it happened without my consent actually
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) December 27, 2021
In the original lyrics, one of the “Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap” offered by AC/DC was removing wall-to-wall carpeting.
— Fake Music Facts (@FakeMusicFact) December 21, 2021
We grew up so poor our holy infant could only be tender OR mild.
— George Wallace (@MrGeorgeWallace) December 20, 2021
My gf and I started dating during the first lockdown and if we go back into lockdown we will have been together for 1,362 years
— gianmarco (@GianmarcoSoresi) December 19, 2021
Heard about a drug dealer who was caught with all his drugs wrapped around his penis. If I tried that, I’d only be charged with a misdemeanor.
— Dan Wilbur (@DanWilbur) December 25, 2021
My favorite waxing place.
10/10 would recommend. pic.twitter.com/VkEShw2exU
— Kambri Crews (@kambri) December 27, 2021
It used to bother me that everyone thinks they can be a comedian. I would think: It’s a skill, it’s not like people think this way about doctors!! But bc of covid I realized people also think that way about doctors. What I’m trying to say is: comedians are doctors.
— Katie Hannigan (@katiehannigan) December 26, 2021
has there ever been a lazier and more confusing lyric than "here comes santa claus, right down santa claus lane"? its literally the first line of the song and they gave up immediately.
— Luke Mones (@LukeMones) November 29, 2018
Girl at the beginning of “Baby Got Back” voice:
O Mi Cron
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) December 22, 2021
“Dreams are powerful omens”
MY DREAMS: ok once you finish buying all the hats in the mall it’s time to make dinner
— eli yudin (@eliyudin) December 23, 2021
Every secondary character in a Marvel show ends up being some super hero. Oh, you thought that was just a waiter? Turns out that was “Serverissimo!”
— Anthony DeVito – Carolines, NYC Jan 1 (@AnthonyDeVito_) December 23, 2021
Covid is out there guys. Be careful and stay safe pic.twitter.com/vTbtW3xEs0
— Chris Distefano (@chrisdcomedy) December 22, 2021
Coffee is great, because instead of being tired and unmotivated, you can be wide awake and unmotivated
— Ginny Hogan_ (@ginnyhogan_) December 21, 2021
the funniest part of the 2011 comedy "Contagion" is when they invent a lifesaving vaccine at the end, and then everyone takes the vaccine. hahahaha fantastic writing
— Rob DenBleyker (@RobDenBleyker) December 21, 2021
My man looks like Norman Bates. pic.twitter.com/iRDgqNI9cM
— Better Book Titles (@betterbooktitle) December 21, 2021
I thought ‘Don’t Look Up’ was a drama but it’s actually a comety
— Kat Dennings (@OfficialKat) December 27, 2021
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