Yes, we all love books here. In fact, you should probably be reading one instead of this website, but come on. You’re on the toilet or the subway right now. That’s no time for mind-expanding fiction.
Sometimes, you want to unwind with a few funny short jokes. Thankfully, that’s really all anyone is posting on Twitter these days (unless you count all the un-Democratic misinformation. There’s always room for that on social media.).
Not everyone is built to write the next great American novel. Some people like to fit their genius ideas into a tweet under 240 characters. That’s good for everyone. We don’t always have the attention span for a long, drawn-out essay about our first sexual experience or a reflection on the pervasive ennui that affects all novelists. None of these people have the attention span to write anything longer, I promise you.
Unless we’re counting a half-hour comedy spec script. Many of the people below have a ton of those. For now, let’s read the funny tweets that deserve a Pulitzer.
Here are the funniest tweets I had time to find this week:
1.
aging isn’t even one percent as scary as whatever is going on with the people who try not to
— caleb hearon (@calebsaysthings) October 10, 2022
2.
there is nothing in the song monster mash that explicitly says it was a dance, it could have been an orgy
— spooky cold fox🎃 (@roastmalone_) October 9, 2022
3.
don’t forget to leave out a plate of smallpox for christopher columbus tonight
— evil slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) October 9, 2022
4.
guy behind me at citifield says he’s “done with baseball” and “might try like, books”
— blowing stop sign on bird scooter (@rachelmillman) October 10, 2022
5.
My mum just called the old man in Pinocchio ‘Chiptole’. Then she corrected herself, and called him ‘Gestapo’.
— Josh Weller (@joshweller) October 9, 2022
6.
Tomatoes are the most patriotic plant. Because botanically, tomatoes are a fruit. But according to an 1893 Supreme Court ruling, they're a vegetable. And there's nothing more American than a legal decision that disagrees with science.
— Ariel Elias (@Ariel_Comedy) October 3, 2022
7.
I love my job. Me and my bros get to hang out in a cozy research base in Antarctica. How can this place get any better? Oh fuck yeah a dog just showed up
— The CryptKeifer (@DannyVegito) October 8, 2022
8.
I used to think adulthood was one crisis after another. I was wrong. Multiple crises. Concurrently. All at once. All the time. Forever.
— Somto (@somto_Ihezue) October 7, 2022
9.
GPS is always like, “Would you rather take this route that takes 2 hours longer, has $80 in tolls, and a witch that will ask you 3 questions?”
— Adam "ON TOUR NOW!!!" Newman (@Adam_Newman) October 8, 2022
10.
isn’t clitoris the guy who flew too close to the sun?
— lamps (@layumps) October 5, 2022
11.
Arguably Philip K. Dick's worst novel pic.twitter.com/H5eP3NzPR4
— Stephen Hopkins (@phil_lol_ogist) October 7, 2022
12.
Made a motivational poster for spawning salmon😌 pic.twitter.com/UEWTar1L93
— Washington State Dept. of Natural Resources (@waDNR) October 6, 2022
13.
vito corleone playing with his grandson pic.twitter.com/AWFHdL9e37
— staid scared stupid (@staidindoors) October 7, 2022
14.
Unsurprisingly, I recognized this location immediately. https://t.co/GqGSd720HO
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) October 7, 2022
15.
⚠️ It’s time to BeReal ⚠️ pic.twitter.com/YcktpkxYX6
— Kevin Zak (@KevinJZak) October 9, 2022
16.
Me when someone uses my driveway to turn around. pic.twitter.com/XnYYmZ7pqy
— No Context Brits (@NoContextBrits) October 5, 2022
17.
random guy: it’s not a big deal man i just don’t think it matters
me pulling out a gun: the 2 main characters in a show called veggie tales are fruits and that doesn’t matter to u? [waving gun around] it’s not a big deal ?
— cory (@coolmathgame_) October 4, 2022
18.
Michael Jackson’s Thriller was the best-selling album of all time until the release of Spooky Haunted House Sounds Compact Disc (1993)
— Fake Music Facts (@FakeMusicFact) October 5, 2022
19.
My dad in 1990: You can't believe everything you read. Think and figure things out for yourself
My dad in 2022: Joe Biden is 3 lizards in a trenchcoat
— Inspirational Templates (@mynamehear) October 2, 2022
20.
*Unplugging a game console before shutting it down fully*
Xbox: "No problem, you can still magically resume your games exactly where you left off even after unplugging it. I got your back."
PlayStation: "You could have killed me, I'll never forgive you for this."
— David 🎃Jagolanterns🎃 (@David_Jagneaux) October 4, 2022
21.
paleontologist is the funniest job to me. so rare for a seven year old to stick to their major life goals
— Brandy Jensen (@BrandyLJensen) October 4, 2022
22.
We need to accept this is what Andrew Lloyd Webber does and it's worked for him pic.twitter.com/LV9e8g2SV6
— JennAaahh! Real Martins (@jennamartin14) October 3, 2022
23.
Academics of all fields PLEASE READ: earlier today I had a disturbing conversation with a colleague in STEM. It seems that while working in the lab late one recent night, he witnessed what he described as an "eerie sight"… +
— Gus Stadler (@majortominor) October 4, 2022
24.
timothée chalamet is the new benedict cumberbatch in the sense that you can say ANYTHING and we know who you mean. tiffany chevrolet. timpanogos charlemagne. symphony cabernet. jiminy castaway.
— abs (@itsabsaf) October 1, 2022
25.
whoever named a spider daddy long legs freaky as hell
— brian 𖤐 (@briantheruller) October 9, 2022
See more great posts from Better Book Titles:
Here Are Some Hilarious Fake Retitles For Famous Children’s Books (33 Pics)
Wow, There’s A Sentence I’ve Never Read Before (30 Pics)
Everybody’s A Critic – The Best Of The Worst Funny One-Star Reviews On Goodreads
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