Sometimes, you want to unwind with a few funny short jokes. Thankfully, that’s really all anyone is posting on Twitter these days (unless you count all the un-Democratic misinformation. There’s always room for that on social media.).
Not everyone is built to write the next great American novel. Some people like to fit their genius ideas into a tweet under 240 characters. That’s good for everyone. We don’t always have the attention span for a long, drawn-out essay about our first sexual experience or a reflection on the pervasive ennui that affects all novelists. None of these people have the attention span to write anything longer, I promise you.
Unless we’re counting a half-hour comedy spec script. Many of the people below have a ton of those. For now, let’s read the funny tweets that deserve a Pulitzer.
Here are the funniest tweets I had time to find this week:
Normal people: I met this guy, he was average
Victorian writers: He was, in the way of most men, possessed of a rudimentary intelligence, his countenance ordinary, his bearing mild, with some weakness about the shoulders, his hair the color of ash; he spoke of the weather
— Amber Sparks (@ambernoelle) July 23, 2022
the movie #TheShining couldn't be made today because the 'heres johnny' reference is so old. what's he supposed to say? 'welcome to the seth myers show'? doesnt work
— graston verrpit (@snorukous) July 21, 2022
*mixing up amelia earhart and amelia bedelia* yeah she probably got lost because she was being sooooo silly
— leigh (@daughter_ion) July 21, 2022
This must be the greatest typo ever. pic.twitter.com/o9d5iCwzfR
— Freddy Gray (@Freddygray31) July 21, 2022
Dave Chappelle is being OPPRESSED. I heard several states made it illegal for him to play sports or use the bathroom.
— Jono Zalay, PhD but still dumb as hell (@JonoZalay) July 21, 2022
Bars should have a “beertender” and a “bartender” don’t make me wait 30 minutes for a high life because someone ordered some made up shit like an upside down negroni
— eli yudin (@eliyudin) July 22, 2022
The Duffer Brothers originally wanted Max from Stranger Things to be obsessed with the theme from Night Court.
— Fake Music Facts (@FakeMusicFact) July 22, 2022
It’s hard to explain if you weren’t there but all the coolest movies of the late 90s were about how crushing it would be to work in an air conditioned office with your own computer and health insurance.
— Daniel Kibblesmith (@kibblesmith) July 21, 2022
If you're hot, he's hot. Let him inside. pic.twitter.com/tXUVDr9dKX
— Viktor Winetrout (@Cpin42) July 20, 2022
Me: would you like some olive oil on the pasta?
Customer: is it extra virgin?
Me: *tearing up* no it’s the same price
— its steeve again (@steeve_again) July 20, 2022
SSRI’s worked amazingly well for me. They tanked my sex drive and now I can tell if a guy is a bad person
— Most Qualified Tweeter (@katewillett) July 21, 2022
i want to marry someone as funny as me. imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school.
— Temi 🍀 (@temi_eo) July 20, 2022
Like Vampire Weekend? Thank vampire unions
— District Sentinel (@TheDCSentinel) July 20, 2022
i tell ya, it’s not easy dating a minion. i said i love you, she said banana. i said will you marry me, she said banana. i took her to bed, she said shrimp pic.twitter.com/7S7wei8i63
— Ben Rosen (@ben_rosen) July 20, 2022
“wow you’re a writer! what are you working on?!” my will to live bitch
— New Roots Queer Residency at Walhalla Farms (@NewRootsArtists) July 19, 2022
Jurassic Park would be more realistic if they were like "hey dinosaurs are everywhere" but then everyone was like "dinosaurs are fake" and threw 500-person weddings in the middle of T-Rex valley
— Kimberly 🧜🏻♀️ Dinaro💲 (@KimberDin) July 18, 2022
“How late you gonna be there?” Is New York for I’m not coming
— Jared Mark Smith (@jaredinthetrees) July 18, 2022
buying edibles in LA: this is a nice little pomegranate-basil 7.357 mg sativa gummy calibrated for a relaxing sense of self-actualization
buying edibles in amsterdam: this is an unmarked chocolate muffin. we don't know the dose. enjoy outer space
— molly mary o'brien (@missmollymary) July 17, 2022
It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth, the minor fall, the major lift pic.twitter.com/rpkul8lVQM
— Becca (@beegriz) July 17, 2022
every book is called 'the tiny things we know to be small' or 'the darkest wife'
— amelia elizalde (@ameliaelizalde) July 16, 2022
How pervasive is alcohol in our culture? It has a monopoly on the word “drinking”
— Ginny Hogan_ (@ginnyhogan_) July 25, 2022
If we're good friends, we text. If we're really good friends, we talk on the phone. If we're best friends, I'm tagging you in the comments of Instagram sweepstakes without mentioning it to you.
— Alison Leiby (@AlisonLeiby) July 25, 2022
shaggy: caught this guy pretending to be a ghost at an abandoned amusement park
cop: not sure that’s illegal, but how did you catch him?
shaggy: I gave my dog some drugs then we broke in and stole his food. arrest him for chasing us
— Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau) July 25, 2022
90% of people who say “sometimes I just want to move upstate and open a little independent bookstore” have not read a book in 5 years.
— Alexis Gay (@yayalexisgay) July 25, 2022
How is it on a plane during takeoff you can have a baby on your lap but not a small fanny pack?
— Isabel Hagen (@isabelhagen_) July 24, 2022
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