Yes, we all love books here. In fact, you should probably be reading one instead of this website, but come on. You’re on the toilet or the subway right now. That’s no time for mind-expanding fiction.
Sometimes, you want to unwind with a few funny short jokes. Thankfully, that’s really all anyone is posting on Twitter these days (unless you count all the un-Democratic misinformation. There’s always room for that on social media.).
Not everyone is built to write the next great American novel. Some people like to fit their genius ideas into a tweet under 240 characters. That’s good for everyone. We don’t always have the attention span for a long, drawn-out essay about our first sexual experience or a reflection on the pervasive ennui that affects all novelists. None of these people have the attention span to write anything longer, I promise you.
Unless we’re counting a half-hour comedy spec script. Many of the people below have a ton of those. For now, let’s read the funny tweets that deserve a Pulitzer.
Here are the funniest tweets I had time to find this week:
1.
https://twitter.com/ambernoelle/status/1550986510786347008
2.
the movie #TheShining couldn't be made today because the 'heres johnny' reference is so old. what's he supposed to say? 'welcome to the seth myers show'? doesnt work
— graston verrpit (@snorukous) July 21, 2022
3.
https://twitter.com/daughter_ion/status/1549956524499501057?s=20&t=AFzVBUdwttu202GlDzm4mA
4.
This must be the greatest typo ever. pic.twitter.com/o9d5iCwzfR
— Freddy Gray (@Freddygray31) July 21, 2022
5.
Dave Chappelle is being OPPRESSED. I heard several states made it illegal for him to play sports or use the bathroom.
— Jono Zalay (@JonoZalay) July 21, 2022
6.
Bars should have a “beertender” and a “bartender” don’t make me wait 30 minutes for a high life because someone ordered some made up shit like an upside down negroni
— eli yudin (@eliyudin) July 22, 2022
7.
The Duffer Brothers originally wanted Max from Stranger Things to be obsessed with the theme from Night Court.
— Fake Music Facts (@FakeMusicFact) July 22, 2022
8.
https://twitter.com/kibblesmith/status/1549930368328904704?s=20&t=AFzVBUdwttu202GlDzm4mA
9.
If you're hot, he's hot. Let him inside. pic.twitter.com/tXUVDr9dKX
— Viktor Winetrout (@Cpin42) July 20, 2022
10.
https://twitter.com/steeve_again/status/1549780353954578432?s=20&t=AFzVBUdwttu202GlDzm4mA
11.
https://twitter.com/katewillett/status/1549927452641722368?s=20&t=AFzVBUdwttu202GlDzm4mA
12.
https://twitter.com/temi_eo/status/1549666960794845186?s=20&t=AFzVBUdwttu202GlDzm4mA
13.
Like Vampire Weekend? Thank vampire unions
— District Sentinel (@TheDCSentinel) July 20, 2022
14.
i tell ya, it’s not easy dating a minion. i said i love you, she said banana. i said will you marry me, she said banana. i took her to bed, she said shrimp pic.twitter.com/7S7wei8i63
— Ben Rosen (@ben_rosen) July 20, 2022
15.
“wow you’re a writer! what are you working on?!” my will to live bitch
— New Roots Queer Residency at Walhalla Farms (@NewRootsArtists) July 19, 2022
16.
Jurassic Park would be more realistic if they were like "hey dinosaurs are everywhere" but then everyone was like "dinosaurs are fake" and threw 500-person weddings in the middle of T-Rex valley
— Kimberly 🧜🏻♀️ Dinaro💲 (@KimberlyDinaro) July 18, 2022
17.
“How late you gonna be there?” Is New York for I’m not coming
— Jared Mark Smith (@jaredinthetrees) July 18, 2022
18.
buying edibles in LA: this is a nice little pomegranate-basil 7.357 mg sativa gummy calibrated for a relaxing sense of self-actualization
buying edibles in amsterdam: this is an unmarked chocolate muffin. we don't know the dose. enjoy outer space
— molly mary o'brien (@missmollymary) July 17, 2022
19.
It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth, the minor fall, the major lift pic.twitter.com/rpkul8lVQM
— Becca Grischow (@beegriz) July 17, 2022
20.
every book is called 'the tiny things we know to be small' or 'the darkest wife'
— amelia elizalde (@ameliaelizalde) July 16, 2022
21.
https://twitter.com/ginnyhogan_/status/1551665150989684739?s=20&t=AFzVBUdwttu202GlDzm4mA
22.
https://twitter.com/AlisonLeiby/status/1551596803425968130?s=20&t=AFzVBUdwttu202GlDzm4mA
23.
https://twitter.com/TheAndrewNadeau/status/1551601941121220608?s=20&t=AFzVBUdwttu202GlDzm4mA
24.
90% of people who say “sometimes I just want to move upstate and open a little independent bookstore” have not read a book in 5 years.
— Alexis Gay (@yayalexisgay) July 25, 2022
25.
https://twitter.com/isabelhagen_/status/1551303707702075392?s=20&t=AFzVBUdwttu202GlDzm4mA
See more great posts from Better Book Titles:
Here Are Some Hilarious Fake Retitles For Famous Children’s Books (33 Pics)
Wow, There’s A Sentence I’ve Never Read Before (30 Pics)
Everybody’s A Critic – The Best Of The Worst Funny One-Star Reviews On Goodreads
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