Sometimes, you want to unwind with a few funny short jokes. Thankfully, that’s really all anyone is posting on Twitter these days (unless you count all the un-Democratic misinformation. There’s always room for that on social media.).
Not everyone is built to write the next great American novel. Some people like to fit their genius ideas into a tweet under 240 characters. That’s good for everyone. We don’t always have the attention span for a long, drawn-out essay about our first sexual experience or a reflection on the pervasive ennui that affects all novelists. None of these people have the attention span to write anything longer, I promise you.
Unless we’re counting a half-hour comedy spec script. Many of the people below have a ton of those. For now, let’s read the funny tweets that deserve a Pulitzer.
Here are the funniest tweets I had time to find this week:
the two dangers of writing:
– someone will read it
– no one will read it
— eli rose (@unambivalence) July 8, 2022
Kamala Harris talks like she has a translator earpiece on and it has water damage
— broti gupta (@BrotiGupta) July 9, 2022
I know it’s not cool anymore but I miss the Social Media of Abundance. When people would post 50 photos from one night out and then 20 people would respond with inside jokes. Now people post once a year and it’s captioned “we did a thing” and it’s a photo of their newborn baby.
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) July 8, 2022
Watching "Severance" as a bartender is awkward because turning into a totally different person and blacking out at work is kind of *our* thing…
— Kimberly 🧜🏻♀️ Dinaro💲 (@KimberDin) July 10, 2022
Can you imagine being so famous, you don’t even need your name on the poster? Congrats to Tina Turner pic.twitter.com/cRVeLB7UnF
— Dan Wilbur (@DanWilbur) July 10, 2022
Doing teletherapy from your childhood home is kind of like “reporting to you live from the scene of the accident”
— Brad Wetherell (@BradWetherell) July 7, 2022
We should refer to this period in history simply as “The Circumstances.” pic.twitter.com/7cugf2t5D8
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) July 8, 2022
Just told my kids they get points for every kind/constructive thing they say to each other. So this verbatim happened:
8 yo: I love the way you scream in pain when I step on your foot.
10 yo: I love how masterfully you find the exact spot on my foot that delivers the most pain.
— Faith Salie (@Faith_Salie) July 8, 2022
at a party full of straight dudes and you say out loud “wait, what’s The Wire?” pic.twitter.com/5n9rsqNZH4
— ฿∈Ⓩ (@dailybez) July 6, 2022
Nah I am in a state of disarray rn 😂 Boris knocked up his hairdresser and shipped her off to Canada?! I am shocked he even had a hairdresser… clearly she was doing everything but hair.
— Ash (@theashrb) July 6, 2022
Jesus has enough holes in him https://t.co/VccSrryjE0
— gianmarco (@GianmarcoSoresi) July 6, 2022
Whenever I see someone in New York talking to themselves I can never tell if they’re an actor running lines or if they have a more mild mental illness like schizophrenia
— gianmarco (@GianmarcoSoresi) July 9, 2022
My faves are Hunka Hunka Broiling Pork, Don’t Be Gruel and In The Gumbo https://t.co/59UupJjtih
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) July 9, 2022
Only a true genius like Alfred Hitchcock could look at some birds and think "what if those killed me?"
— Daniel Spenser (@DanSpenser) July 9, 2022
I went to an expensive Catholic school, which meant they taught the Bible literally. Up until the part where Matthew says a camel has a better chance of fitting through the eye of a needle than a rich person getting into heaven, at which point our teacher was like it’s a METAPHOR
— Ginny Hogan_ (@ginnyhogan_) July 9, 2022
queue is such a funny word. you get it right on the first letter and then take four victory laps
— alex (@_unwell) July 5, 2022
My AirPods are purely ceremonial, just keeps people from talking to me. They haven’t made sound since the great machine wash debacle of 17’
— Jess Fuchs (@JessRFuchs) July 2, 2022
every time a new stranger things season drops ppl r like "we all love blorpy, the beloved new character" and then a week later "how could they just kill blorpy like that" open your eyes
— bec (@becbenepla) July 3, 2022
notice how we say “girl” when excited and “man” when disappointed
— Lazzyyyyyy (@em_Lazzy) July 2, 2022
What your mom calls you after she finds your weed pic.twitter.com/I89en6opUu
— Charles Mockler (@charlesmockler) July 4, 2022
First they came for every single person with a uterus, and I loudly complained about the phrase “person with a uterus”
— CHOAM Nomsky (@samthielman) July 3, 2022
Just want to repeat my standing offer that if you are a restaurant server in DC, and a forced-birth pol comes into you restaurant and orders chicken, I will send you $1,000 cash if you serve them a plate with a raw egg.
— Rebecca Makkai (@rebeccamakkai) July 5, 2022
Your novel is a 10 but you actually have to write it
— A.P. Thayer is #querying (@APThayer) July 7, 2022
Brett Kavanaugh can still eat at restaurants in other states, I don’t know why he’s so upset.
— Jennifer Wright (@JenAshleyWright) July 9, 2022
I don’t know who needs to hear this but here’s some shit I mostly made up or half-heard somewhere and am now confidently sharing as though it were not only verified but crucial knowledge, buckle up because I’ve got seventy five angry tweets full of misinformation to write; A 🧵
— Amber Sparks (@ambernoelle) July 9, 2022
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