Sometimes, you want to unwind with a few funny short jokes. Thankfully, that’s really all anyone is posting on Twitter these days (unless you count all the un-Democratic misinformation. There’s always room for that on social media.).
Not everyone is built to write the next great American novel. Some people like to fit their genius ideas into a tweet under 240 characters. That’s good for everyone. We don’t always have the attention span for a long, drawn-out essay about our first sexual experience or a reflection on the pervasive ennui that affects all novelists. None of these people have the attention span to write anything longer, I promise you.
Unless we’re counting a half-hour comedy spec script. Many of the people below have a ton of those. For now, let’s read the funny tweets that deserve a Pulitzer.
Here are the funniest tweets I had time to find this week:
Unsolicited career advice: Go to school for what you love, even if it won’t make you money. Study classic languages. Make a few really close friends. Go poisonous mushroom hunting together. Cover up the death of your close friend with a well timed blizzard.
— Rachel Mans McKenny (@rmmckenny) June 9, 2022
Indiana Jones and the Misappropriation of Cultural Artifacts pic.twitter.com/wPffBzruDr
— HappyToast ★ (@IamHappyToast) June 12, 2022
I saw a couple hold hands while hiking and it gave me hope that one day I'll meet someone who'll make fun of them with me.
— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) June 12, 2022
I hate parents who take youth sports too seriously. Save that energy for pointing out minor inconsistencies in “The Mandalorian.”
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) June 12, 2022
I’m not arguing that an AR-15 isn’t fun to shoot but why do you need 5 in your living room? Go to a range. I love giraffes but there are rules about raising one in my yard. I have to go to a zoo whenever I want to fuck one.
— Dan Wilbur (@DanWilbur) June 9, 2022
I challenged my conservative dad to give me one good argument against giving people free access to a college education and he sent me a link to my website
— gianmarco (@GianmarcoSoresi) June 12, 2022
cyberpunk concept: gun that automatically updates the wiki page of whoever you shoot to be in the past tense
— LandsharkRAWR (@LandsharkRAWR) June 10, 2022
30 years ago, 4 Non Blondes asked us a question we still can't answer.
— Ben Boven (@benboven1) June 10, 2022
one time i changed in front of my mom and she saw a tattoo i have next to my boob and she was like “make sure your employer never sees that. tattoos aren’t professional.” and it’s like fuck now i can’t sleep w my boss without them thinking im unprofessional.
— dana bad (@baddanadanabad) June 10, 2022
Before you decide if the former president is responsible for the Capitol riots, remember that in America you’re innocent until proven guilty, then proven guilty again, then proven guilty again and they hold a hearing in primetime to show everyone how you’re really, really guilty.
— Stephen Colbert (@StephenAtHome) June 10, 2022
It’s “How did this person afford this trip to Europe?” month on Instagram.
— Jared Freid (@jtrain56) June 4, 2022
First summer we get to be outside in 2 years and each day is costing $500
— अवीवा (@amxizzy) June 6, 2022
i didn't know two of the wiggles were married and then broke up but kept performing together. the fleetwood mac of childrens entertainment
— amy b (@arb) June 5, 2022
Me: brutally murdered and found dumped on the side of the highway
Two 35yr old women with a podcast: ok murder muffins we got a real oopy goopy spoopy story for you today!
Squarespace ad: ARE YOU LOOKING TO EXPAND Y
— randall shart (married) (@randyshart) June 6, 2022
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
— Molly Fitzpatrick (@mollyfitz) June 5, 2022
Hey hey mama said the way you move you could benefit from the stabilizing support of Scholls orthotics. Hi, I’m Robert Plant and if you suffer from arch pain
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) June 5, 2022
I don’t understand how COVID is still spiking after we’ve tried everything from pretending it’s over to pretending it never happened
— Zack Bornstein (@ZackBornstein) June 2, 2022
Installed the new bidet pic.twitter.com/HzyqbKyCAm
— Shoegaze Dad 🇵🇭 (@yeoldedad) June 12, 2022
me, garfield’s vet: feeding him WHAT
— soul nate (@MNateShyamalan) June 12, 2022
the girl boss is dead, long live the girl moss (lying on the floor of the forest and being absorbed back into nature)
— Daisy Alioto (@daisandconfused) June 6, 2022
my uber driver took a call on speaker and it’s his mom accusing him of stealing her credit card and spending $6400. obv giving 5 stars, love this drama.
— dana bad (@baddanadanabad) June 9, 2022
i’m no psychic but i'm fairly certain that i'm destined to die of an aneurysm while screaming REPRESENTATIVE into my phone
— Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) June 10, 2022
Opinion | Donald Trump tried to have me hanged. Here’s why, as a principled conservative, I may vote for him in 2024.
— New York Times Pitchbot (@DougJBalloon) June 10, 2022
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife's plans for the second time.
— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) June 8, 2022
15 years ago tonight, Tony Soprano and his family met at their favorite ice cream parlor for some onion rings. The meal ended with
— Alan Sepinwall (@sepinwall) June 10, 2022
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