Sometimes, you want to unwind with a few funny short jokes. Thankfully, that’s really all anyone is posting on Twitter these days (unless you count all the un-Democratic misinformation. There’s always room for that on social media.).
Not everyone is built to write the next great American novel. Some people like to fit their genius ideas into a tweet under 240 characters. That’s good for everyone. We don’t always have the attention span for a long, drawn-out essay about our first sexual experience or a reflection on the pervasive ennui that affects all novelists. None of these people have the attention span to write anything longer, I promise you.
Unless we’re counting a half-hour comedy spec script. Many of the people below have a ton of those. For now, let’s read the funny tweets that deserve a Pulitzer.
Here are the funniest tweets I had time to find this week:
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
— meghan (@deloisivete) May 18, 2022
having a crush has cured my depression! now it’s anxiety’s time to shine
— Sahana Srinivasan (@sahana_srini) May 18, 2022
I do love nyc like I was just walking home alone & was a little freaked and almost as though he knew, a rat popped out of a pile of garbage and sort of kept pace with me for like 4 blocks?? kinda sweet like having a tiny disease-infested chaperone
— ellie schnitt (@holy_schnitt) May 19, 2022
"Ooh, shots fired!" — the most annoying guy in the war
— Matt Nedostup (@nedostup) May 23, 2022
I love my job pic.twitter.com/IT0wtgRbRh
— Kyle Cubr (@kylecubr) May 20, 2022
“can you explain this gap in your resume”
oh that’s when i got laid off and spent all my time depressed and trying to train my cat to like x-files (giving her a treat every time the theme song played)
— sara david (@SaraQDavid) May 20, 2022
the strip club is sadly a leading indicator and i can promise y’all we r in a recession lmao
— reversecowgirl69 (@botticellibimbo) May 19, 2022
Increasingly wishing that America's plan for women wasn't just the plot of The Giving Tree
— Kate Manne (@kate_manne) May 19, 2022
Same here, Big Bird. Same here. pic.twitter.com/ReUnRMfAGn
— Sarah Sweeney (@heysarahsweeney) May 19, 2022
the hardest diss in the game was published circa 1744 and has yet to be topped pic.twitter.com/rOtyqX3rhm
— non-haunted gem (regular ) (@Choplogik) May 19, 2022
The March Against Depicting Clowns As Creepy is still happening tonight at dusk at the edge of the woods near the abandoned lunatic asylum. The calliope we rented is out of tune but we plan to play it anyway.
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) May 19, 2022
Rolling Stone Magazine's Greatest Past Tense Beatles Songs:
1. I Wanted To Hold Your Hand
2. Your Mother Knew
4. Two Days Ago
5. There Goes The Sun
6. She Left You
7. While My Guitar Blows Its Nose
8. I Felt Fine
9. Now I'm Sixty-Five
10. Jude Pick Up Pick Up Pick Up https://t.co/rzEEAZVmk3
— blaine capatch (@blainecapatch) May 18, 2022
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
— Ginny Hogan_ (@ginnyhogan_) May 17, 2022
mfs b wearing Dior but not Diordorant
— Noah ✵ (@noahdonotcare) May 17, 2022
I gained 5 pounds and I told my endocrinologist that I’m doing more walking than ever and he said are you walking to restaurants?
— Maris Kreizman (@mariskreizman) May 17, 2022
1920s twitter: men are dying in molasses explosions when they should be getting more lasses
— Hanch Tarchup Jr. (@misharipov) May 22, 2022
When you’re out shopping, it’s getting too hot, your bra straps slipping down, your bag wont stay on your shoulder, there’s queues everywhere, the shop has music blasting like it’s a club, and you ask me my email address for a receipt, please know that is my final straw.
— Georgia Townend (@georgiatownend_) May 22, 2022
yall im so high i just tried to put my seatbelt on in the nail salon chair😭
— 𝖑𝖔𝖑𝖆 (@lofashionista) May 22, 2022
It's so weird that people think being Mayor of NYC is a good jumping-off point for a presidential run when really it just makes the people of New York hate you for being the mayor and everyone else hate you for being from New York.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) May 21, 2022
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