Sometimes, you want to unwind with a few funny short jokes. Thankfully, that’s really all anyone is posting on Twitter these days (unless you count all the un-Democratic misinformation. There’s always room for that on social media.).
Not everyone is built to write the next great American novel. Some people like to fit their genius ideas into a tweet under 240 characters. That’s good for everyone. We don’t always have the attention span for a long, drawn-out essay about our first sexual experience or a reflection on the pervasive ennui that affects all novelists. None of these people have the attention span to write anything longer, I promise you.
Unless we’re counting a half-hour comedy spec script. Many of the people below have a ton of those. For now, let’s read the funny tweets that deserve a Pulitzer.
Here are the funniest tweets I had time to find this week:
library spent 10 minutes kicking out a guy for masturbating but they kept whisper-yelling so it was like AMSR Worldstar
— Jim McVeigh (@JimMcVeigh) May 10, 2022
I don’t know how you can believe in Jesus and still think abstinence prevents pregnancies
— Ginny Hogan_ (@ginnyhogan_) May 12, 2022
If Goofy shows up to your party and he's dressed like a normal man from the '90s or 2000s, you might be okay. If he's got his vest and his stupid green hat… buddy, you're already fucked
— Bob Cobb (@depechejoe) April 29, 2020
Thinking about how my sister’s college friend was nicknamed “Burgers” cause one time he talked about grilling burgers too enthusiastically. You have to be careful
— Erin Somers (@SomersErin) May 15, 2022
I texted a friend asking if he wanted to do something, and rather than giving an excuse, he simply wrote back "sorry, I'm not interested in doing that" and I think what we all need now is his therapist's phone number.
— Dan Wilbur (@DanWilbur) May 16, 2022
why’d they make him look like that one Ben Stiller character in Tropic Thunder https://t.co/TQbpDvzKy7
— paige (@BonerWizard) May 15, 2022
I have never seen someone juggle and thought “I hope this continues”
— Andrea More (@amore_orless) May 15, 2022
so so excited that my first bite of the season was from a woman mosquito!!!! sometimes it’s hard to see but things ARE getting better 🙂
— caroline doyle (@cd0yl3) May 15, 2022
My fiancé is listening to nonstop country music. I’d threaten to leave him but I’m afraid the heartbreak would just inspire more country music.
— Subhah (@Subhah) May 14, 2022
Left the back door open at my friend's house and her roomba escaped. Hope he goes on an adventure and cleans the whole world
— Carmen Lagala (@CarmenLagala) May 12, 2022
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
— trash jones (@jzux) May 7, 2022
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
— Margo Howard (@Margoandhow) May 12, 2022
We don’t need gun control. We just need to avoid churches, malls, supermarkets, mosques, concerts, synagogues, cinemas, parks, pre-schools, middle schools, high schools, college campuses, mass transportation, the outdoors in general… (1/513)
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) May 15, 2022
Some people say we should leave abortion rights up to states. I say, why stop there? Why not leave it up to counties, cities, neighborhoods, or—and this would really be fun—individual people?
— Nina Strohminger (@NinaStrohminger) May 12, 2022
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
— Alex Murdoch (@alexgmurd) May 12, 2022
If Democrats can't stop Republican lawmakers from making it easy for Republican mass murderers to get their hands on assault weapons, then I have no choice but to vote Republican in 2022.
— New York Times Pitchbot (@DougJBalloon) May 16, 2022
The most dramatic moment in 21st Century literature pic.twitter.com/jYME7pCVyP
— Kate Hewson (@katejhewson) May 12, 2022
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