Sometimes, you want to unwind with a few funny short jokes. Thankfully, that’s really all anyone is posting on Twitter these days (unless you count all the un-Democratic misinformation. There’s always room for that on social media.).
Not everyone is built to write the next great American novel. Some people like to fit their genius ideas into a tweet under 240 characters. That’s good for everyone. We don’t always have the attention span for a long, drawn-out essay about our first sexual experience or a reflection on the pervasive ennui that affects all novelists. None of these people have the attention span to write anything longer, I promise you.
Unless we’re counting a half-hour comedy spec script. Many of the people below have a ton of those. For now, let’s read the funny tweets that deserve a Pulitzer.
Here are the funniest tweets I had time to find this week:
i would wear this on a shirt pic.twitter.com/Nj8pj3T7mr
— zach silberberg (@zachsilberberg) May 1, 2022
Personally, I will never forgive my student loans for what they did to me.
— Kashana (@kashanacauley) April 28, 2022
My therapist: do you use sex to get men to like you?
Me: no, not successfully
— Ginny Hogan_ (@ginnyhogan_) April 30, 2022
Is there not a standard question when hiring detectives that asks whether they’ve experienced any unspeakable tragedies that could end up coming back to haunt them while they need to focus on a really important case
— caitie delaney (@caitiedelaney) May 1, 2022
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) April 24, 2022
How pissed would you be if you were giving a smooch to a frog and it turned into a human man. Oh I gotta deal with this guy now
— 👩🏻🚀 (@lanyardigan) March 31, 2022
'landlord' and 'landlady' are needlessly gendered words. pls be more inclusive by using 'landbastard' instead
— wolf alex (@gothtacular) April 28, 2022
Sometimes I think what I do is bullshit but then I remember this time I walked into the MoMA and saw two vacuum cleaners stacked on top of each other and the placard said “two wet/dry vacuum cleaners”
— Dan Wilbur (@DanWilbur) May 1, 2022
The fun thing about a viral tweet is a few months later you’ll be drinking coffee on your couch and someone will randomly tell you you’re dumb.
— Holly Ballantine (@HollyBallantine) May 1, 2022
I hate it when people assume I have my life together just because I'm boring
— Rachel McCartney (@RachelMComedy) April 30, 2022
Every time I have a programming question and I rly need help, I post it on Reddit and then log into another account and reply to it with an obscenely incorrect answer. Ppl don’t care about helping others but they LOVE correcting others. Works 100% of the time
— annie (@soychotic) April 29, 2022
I beat cancer. If they suddenly find a cure for cancer now, I’m gonna be so mad!
This tweet is about student loans.
— Aaron Fullerton (@AaronFullerton) April 28, 2022
DREAM ACTING ROLE: criminal in Gotham City that has somehow never heard of Batman and says something like “hey, who’s the freak in the halloween costume” right before getting his orbital bone shattered
— eli yudin (@eliyudin) April 26, 2022
Oscar was Sesame Street’s first victim of gentrification.
— Hari Kondabolu (@harikondabolu) May 1, 2022
Bowling is definitely the most positive thing that happens in an alley
— mark normand (@marknorm) April 25, 2022
Remember 13 Going on 30? That movie where, magically, a 30-year-old had a good job?
— Emily McKenna Winter (@EmilyMcWinter) April 29, 2022
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