Sometimes, you want to unwind with a few funny short jokes. Thankfully, that’s really all anyone is posting on Twitter these days (unless you count all the un-Democratic misinformation. There’s always room for that on social media.).
Not everyone is built to write the next great American novel. Some people like to fit their genius ideas into a tweet under 240 characters. That’s good for everyone. We don’t always have the attention span for a long, drawn-out essay about our first sexual experience or a reflection on the pervasive ennui that affects all novelists. None of these people have the attention span to write anything longer, I promise you.
Unless we’re counting a half-hour comedy spec script. Many of the people below have a ton of those. For now, let’s read the funny tweets that deserve a Pulitzer.
Here are the funniest tweets I had time to find this week:
Men will literally offer to buy Twitter instead of taking care of their son named R2D2.
— Dary.JaMorantStan 🦁 (@DaryRezvani) April 14, 2022
Wait a minute, gang — What if WE put on a show in the old barn and buy Twitter?
— Daniel Kibblesmith (@kibblesmith) April 14, 2022
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices pic.twitter.com/riRmISXsMz
— Isle McElroy (@abmcelroy1) April 8, 2022
stop glamorising The Hustle and start glamorising whatever lifestyle this is pic.twitter.com/DWZhPYw8A4
— Grace Jarvis (@gracejarvisohno) April 13, 2022
Rich teens on TV are always talking about how rich they are but I went to private school with lots of rich teens and they don’t do that. They say something like “oh we have a little place at the beach” and then you go and it’s a 20 bedroom mansion that Chef Boyardee used to own
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) April 12, 2022
Baffling that people who believe in intelligent design also believe God made a whoopsie and had to drown everyone and start over.
— Dan Wilbur (@DanWilbur) April 18, 2022
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat's name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
— Brittany Means (@BrittanyMeansIt) April 13, 2022
do you think they were giggling inside the Trojan horse
— LJ😼 (@crotchner) April 14, 2022
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, "Good. I never liked her" to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
— Hi, it's Abby. Yep (@abbycohenwl) April 11, 2022
microdosing catholicism by feeling vaguely ashamed all day for no particular reason
— trash jones (@jzux) April 13, 2022
no more dating apps just gonna go to trader joe’s a lot and hope for the best
— scott rising (@rising) April 16, 2022
I went to church almost every Sunday for 14 years and can I be honest? I was not listening
— julia (@juliashiplett) April 17, 2022
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) April 15, 2022
I don’t have any fur babies so I’m going to call my children “skin dogs.”
— Faith Salie (@Faith_Salie) April 13, 2022
She had an hourglass figure, in that sand was constantly going through it & it reminded you of mortality. Her doctors kept insisting, stop eating all this sand, you’re going to die
— Pigeon Fancier (@isabelzawtun) April 11, 2022
Me, 364 days of the year: “taxes are fine because they fund important programs”
Me, the 1 day a year when I find out how much I owe because I’m a freelancer: “taxation is theft”
— Parker Molloy (@ParkerMolloy) April 17, 2022
See more great posts from Better Book Titles: