Sometimes, you want to unwind with a few funny short jokes. Thankfully, that’s really all anyone is posting on Twitter these days (unless you count all the un-Democratic misinformation. There’s always room for that on social media.).
Not everyone is built to write the next great American novel. Some people like to fit their genius ideas into a tweet under 240 characters. That’s good for everyone. We don’t always have the attention span for a long, drawn-out essay about our first sexual experience or a reflection on the pervasive ennui that affects all novelists. None of these people have the attention span to write anything longer, I promise you.
Unless we’re counting a half-hour comedy spec script. Many of the people below have a ton of those. For now, let’s read the funny tweets that deserve a Pulitzer.
Here are the funniest tweets I had time to find this week:
Whenever I have a bad writing day, I take a peek at Kafka's diary. pic.twitter.com/UYC158Xq1S
— Laila Lalami (@LailaLalami) April 10, 2022
today was my brother’s bday party. we discussed my brother’s middle name, Arturo (Arthur in Spanish).
Mom: There was a popular Star Wars character loved in Peru named “Arturito,” so we went with that.
Me: WAIT DO YOU MEAN R2D2?!
Dad: Yes, the robot.
— Rachy 🦙 (@rachy_) April 10, 2022
I'd really enjoy it if Will Smith just spent the next ten years sneaking into the Oscars in really bad costumes like Gene Parmesan in Arrested Development.
— Jason Diamond (@imjasondiamond) April 8, 2022
tumblr was a great place to get told "in case nobody's told you so today, you are LOVED and VALID" by someone who would leak your home address and social security number if you liked a show they hated
— ross.png (gnome stickers coming mon 4/18) (@chromegnomes) April 7, 2022
We're cancelling each other over Hemingway's six-word short story. post your cancellable baby shoes take.
I'll go first: Ernest ate that baby.
— Lincoln Michel (@TheLincoln) April 7, 2022
Charles Darwin married his cousin. His first cousin! And had ten children with her. That’s love right there. If ANYONE should’ve known all the reasons not to make children with your cousin, it’s Charles Darwin! But he did it anyway, that romantic son of a bitch!
— Raphael Bob-Waksberg (@RaphaelBW) April 5, 2022
if Thanos' snap killed 50% of all life, that means that the survivors would have lost 50% of their gut biomes in an instant and spent the next few months power-blasting their bathrooms with diarrhea, in this essay I will-
— Janel Comeau (@VeryBadLlama) April 3, 2022
i was explaining what a seder plate is to my not jewish bf and he was like 'oh ok so its like fear factor'
— cringe goddess (@JamieManelis) April 10, 2022
In third grade for school I had to learn all the words to “We Didn’t Start The Fire” and to this day I know the names of a lot of things that happened but not a single fact about any of them.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) April 9, 2022
If ET showed up at my house I would spray him with Raid
— broti gupta (@BrotiGupta) April 5, 2022
i was like “im worried everyone’s mad at me” and my bf was like “dana it’s 4 AM. you woke me up to say this. I’M mad at you.”
— dana bad (@baddanadanabad) April 6, 2022
Every Hallmark romance movie is like "yeahhhh you wanna live in a small town"
And every Hallmark mystery series is like "YOU ABSOLUTELY DO NOT WANT TO LIVE IN A SMALL TOWN"
— Dr. J (@learnteachwin) April 3, 2022
The Lunch That I Brought is No Longer the Lunch That I Want: A Memoir
— Rachel Holliday Smith (@rachelholliday) April 6, 2022
(about to invent gargoyles) babe the cathedral looks great. how can we get a little fucking freak on the roof.
— 𝖘𝖔𝖕𝖍𝖎𝖊𝖕𝖊𝖓𝖗𝖔𝖘𝖊 (@sophiepenrose) April 5, 2022
“Why do I feel like shit all the time?” I ask myself while staring into the flashlight that tells me bad news.
— Olivia (@olliegrace) April 5, 2022
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