Yes, we all love books here. In fact, you should probably be reading one instead of this website, but come on. You’re on the toilet or the subway right now. That’s no time for mind-expanding fiction.
Sometimes, you want to unwind with a few funny short jokes. Thankfully, that’s really all anyone is posting on Twitter these days (unless you count all the un-Democratic misinformation. There’s always room for that on social media.).
Not everyone is built to write the next great American novel. Some people like to fit their genius ideas into a tweet under 240 characters. That’s good for everyone. We don’t always have the attention span for a long, drawn-out essay about our first sexual experience or a reflection on the pervasive ennui that affects all novelists. None of these people have the attention span to write anything longer, I promise you.
Unless we’re counting a half-hour comedy spec script. Many of the people below have a ton of those. For now, let’s read the funny tweets that deserve a Pulitzer.
Here are the funniest tweets I had time to find this week:
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Media is like:
Freelancer, $35,000/yr: “I self-funding a three month reporting trip to a warzone to capture the untold stories of the war crime victims”
Columnist, $300,000/yr: “China’s foreign policy is like an egg roll”
— Chris Albon (@chrisalbon) April 4, 2022
11.
An added benefit from taking psylocibin for my depression is the healing conversations I have with my room humidifier.
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) April 2, 2022
12.
Spent too much time on a joke today pic.twitter.com/BolSbkf6iG
— Lizzi Rust (@LizziRust) April 2, 2022
13.
I’ve been learning Latin on Duolingo but the app uses regular sentences they’d use for spoken languages instead of lines from classical literature so now I’m very well-equipped to go back to 60 AD and say “My name is Dan. How much does this bread cost?”
— Dan Wilbur (@DanWilbur) April 3, 2022
14.
If crypto bros really want to keep their private keys hidden, they should get them tattooed to their dicks
— Ginny Hogan_ (@ginnyhogan_) March 29, 2022
15.
STATLER: say miss piggy’s singing isn’t a half bad
WALDORF: yeah…it’s all bad!
*kermit starts climbing up to the balcony*
— Ben Rosen (@ben_rosen) March 28, 2022
16.
ur honor are u mad at me
— jame (@videojame_) April 3, 2022
17.
Become ungovernable pic.twitter.com/lTRUFXFRFs
— It's Memes™ (@Memesdotjpg) April 3, 2022
18.
Why this fish have better health insurance than me pic.twitter.com/8edfSkGy9U
— ali segel (@OnlineAlison) April 2, 2022
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Every screenwriting book is written by an “accomplished working filmmaker” then they drop “when I got the green light for Corky Romano…”
— Casey James Salengo (@caseyJsalengo) April 2, 2022
20.
whenever i see an ipad at a cash register i know that i’m about to tip for something i never had to tip for before
— Bobby C (@Bobby_Condon) April 2, 2022
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Be careful out there everyone. I had 2 Morbius tickets in my car and someone broke in and left 4 more. pic.twitter.com/AUtwDehdbM
— jarviss ᱬ (@jrvsscarlet) March 31, 2022
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don’t ever let a broke comedian host the Oscar’s because i woulda fell down and made a scene to get a piece of that wild wild west money for the rest of my life
— headlining SEATTLE (5/19) & PORTLAND (5/20) (@NILES100) March 28, 2022
23.
how tf outer space dark but the sun up there, i swear someone is lying
— $𝔩𝔞𝔭☃️ (@slvppy) March 29, 2022
24.
I sat in silence for almost 30 years while people made fun of my partner’s hair. So it’s not how I would’ve handled it, but I understand
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) March 28, 2022
25.
what if you died and everyone went to look up your twitter profile and the last tweet you made was “i love cum” less than 24 hours earlier
— Rainbow Fish (@RAINBOWFlSH) March 29, 2022
See more funny content from Better Book Titles:
Here Are Some Hilarious Fake Retitles For Famous Children’s Books (33 Pics)
Wow, There’s A Sentence I’ve Never Read Before (30 Pics)
Everybody’s A Critic – The Best Of The Worst Funny One-Star Reviews On Goodreads
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