Sometimes, you want to unwind with a few funny short jokes. Thankfully, that’s really all anyone is posting on Twitter these days (unless you count all the un-Democratic misinformation. There’s always room for that on social media.).
Not everyone is built to write the next great American novel. Some people like to fit their genius ideas into a tweet under 240 characters. That’s good for everyone. We don’t always have the attention span for a long, drawn-out essay about our first sexual experience or a reflection on the pervasive ennui that affects all novelists. None of these people have the attention span to write anything longer, I promise you.
Unless we’re counting a half-hour comedy spec script. Many of the people below have a ton of those. For now, let’s read the funny tweets that deserve a Pulitzer.
Here are the funniest tweets I had time to find this week:
i cheated on my colonoscopy by peeking up the ass of the guy next to me
— blaine capatch (@blainecapatch) March 18, 2022
I will enthusiastically talk all day about books that blew my mind. But when someone asks me for a recommendation? I suddenly forget every book I've ever held in my dumb little hands.
— James Hamilton (@thejamham) March 15, 2022
*gazing through telescope* oh yeah that’s gotta be at least one-third, maybe even one HALF of a giraffe https://t.co/GFTVofgGUl
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) March 14, 2022
Whenever I get sad about all my past toxic romantic relationships I remember these two dated while making Silence of the Lambs. pic.twitter.com/TSjPAXFB86
— Julia Segal (@juliasegal) March 14, 2022
History books always end with a long list of sources. It’s like the author is saying: “You’re welcome. I read all this shit so you didn’t have to.”
— Better Book Titles (@betterbooktitle) March 19, 2022
To do list:
1. Think of a funny joke.
2. Forget it.
3. Spend all day trying to remember it.
4. Remember it.
5. Realize it wasn't funny.
— Emily Fleming (@FlemilyEming) March 20, 2022
Happy to see your mom started her own business! pic.twitter.com/hg6n8kosxi
— Dan Wilbur (@DanWilbur) March 16, 2022
People need to go out and do some new scams so there will be stuff to make documentaries about in five years.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) March 20, 2022
Did you know all your parents' haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
— Conor O’Toole (@ConorOToole) March 20, 2022
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) March 20, 2022
my love language is cooking elaborate meals screaming at everyone to get out of the kitchen then loudly announcing the food was NOT MY BEST and waiting for compliments
— Lily Sullivan (@LilyYily) March 20, 2022
Selling my degree. Still in good condition.Never been used.
— Netsoe🌹 (@Netsoe_) March 20, 2022
my girlfriend just told me to not let her buy anything at the mall which is kinda like when a werewolf asks you to chain them to a tree on the night of a full moon.
— Robert Schultz (@_RobertSchultz) March 20, 2022
“u are what u eat” no wonder im not enough
— pain (@lilpain1k) March 19, 2022
How toddlers open your eyes when you pretend you are sleeping pic.twitter.com/vacgEaAFgE
— ℑ𝔱𝔞𝔦 (@TysonNyathii) March 20, 2022
My main sexual fantasy is a second person
— Ginny Hogan_ (@ginnyhogan_) March 20, 2022
See more funny content from Better Book Titles: