Yes, we all love books here. In fact, you should probably be reading one instead of this website, but come on. You’re on the toilet or the subway right now. That’s no time for mind-expanding fiction.
Sometimes, you want to unwind with a few funny short jokes. Thankfully, that’s really all anyone is posting on Twitter these days (unless you count all the un-Democratic misinformation. There’s always room for that on social media.).
Not everyone is built to write the next great American novel. Some people like to fit their genius ideas into a tweet under 240 characters. That’s good for everyone. We don’t always have the attention span for a long, drawn-out essay about our first sexual experience or a reflection on the pervasive ennui that affects all novelists. None of these people have the attention span to write anything longer, I promise you.
Unless we’re counting a half-hour comedy spec script. Many of the people below have a ton of those. For now, let’s read the funny tweets that deserve a Pulitzer.
Here are the funniest tweets I had time to find this week:
Not trying to subtweet John F. Kennedy here, but being assassinated in a motorcade any time after 1914 has a real “fool me twice” energy.
— Jay Welch (@welchjay) January 16, 2022
getting him to say he would still love me if I was a worm so I can point at worms when we go for walks and say sorry I can’t be her
— stoned cold fox (@roastmalone_) January 14, 2022
I’m sober but also don’t know how to drive so when I go out with friends I’m the designated person of no use.
— Isabel Hagen (@isabelhagen_) January 15, 2022
Email: “tax season is nearly upon us”
The self-employed: pic.twitter.com/BVkFmuCbFi
— Lindsay Goldwert (@lindsaygoldwert) January 14, 2022
People who grew up with money will look you in the eyes and ask you something insane like “do you ski?”
— Michael Benjamin (@mfbenji) January 14, 2022
— Video Game Advisor (@VGAdvisor) January 13, 2022
googling the stages of grief trying to see if i can get them finished in 10 min tops
— steph mccann (@steph_mcca) January 12, 2022
“Am I the asshole?” – Confused Bellybutton
— Matt Goldich (@MattGoldich) January 12, 2022
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
— Grey DeLisle (@GreyDeLisle) January 11, 2022
there’s more to life than just work. there’s also being tired
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) January 11, 2022
Getting older is just knowing more of the SNL hosts and less of the musical guests
— Alex Dobrenko (@Dobrenkz) January 16, 2022
as an empath, i feel for hbomax bc i too am full of great content and bad at delivering it
— Allison Mick (@allison_mick) January 16, 2022
i’ve gone so many years without physical contact that at this point i think someone tenderly holding my hand would kill me like how a flavor blasted goldfish would kill a medieval peasant
— chris✨ (@arcanegold) January 15, 2022
Me throwing the clothes in the dryer: pic.twitter.com/Nvrwamq6so
— Dranky Beverly & Maze🥃 (@TheIgnantOne) January 16, 2022
Hard telling my kid to play with his toys & not my Hindu God statues.
“No, son. Don’t play with those personified animal statues! Play with these other personified animal statues!”
— Hari Kondabolu (@harikondabolu) January 16, 2022
asked for 2% milk at cafe, they didn’t have, asked if mixing whole and skim would be fine, i said “yea of course, i love science” and they laughed. gonna be riding this high for a while
— oyster enthusiast (@foodcourtbaby) January 16, 2022
See more great content from Better Book Titles:
Here Are Some Hilarious Fake Retitles For Famous Children’s Books (33 Pics)
Wow, There’s A Sentence I’ve Never Read Before (30 Pics)
Everybody’s A Critic – The Best Of The Worst Funny One-Star Reviews On Goodreads
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