Sometimes, you want to unwind with a few funny short jokes. Thankfully, that’s really all anyone is posting on Twitter these days (unless you count all the un-Democratic misinformation. There’s always room for that on social media.).
Not everyone is built to write the next great American novel. Some people like to fit their genius ideas into a tweet under 240 characters. That’s good for everyone. We don’t always have the attention span for a long, drawn-out essay about our first sexual experience or a reflection on the pervasive ennui that affects all novelists. None of these people have the attention span to write anything longer, I promise you.
Unless we’re counting a half-hour comedy spec script. Many of the people below have a ton of those. For now, let’s read the funny tweets that deserve a Pulitzer.
Here are the funniest tweets I had time to find this week:
anyone who sends a work-related email, text, fax, page or tiktok the week between Christmas & New Year's, don't forget to cc um and bcc no
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) December 28, 2019
FYI I am CLOSED to queries through the new year. (i'm not an agent. I just don't want anyone to ask me questions)
— Erin Somers (@SomersErin) December 22, 2021
This awkward week between Christmas and New Years has a Purge-like quality. I am maintaining a pretext of “working” but it very much feels like there are no laws, no rules, and nothing that happens now can be used against us later. Time to confess your secret love and rob a bank.
— Moira Donegan (@MoiraDonegan) December 27, 2021
Hot yoga is for psychopaths. It’s just like walking into acupuncture and saying “please use knives so I can really feel it”
— rosebud baker (@rosebudbaker) January 3, 2022
Face the sun and let the blood flow. Give your life to God. Kill and give birth. Then reward yourself with Burger King! Today only!
— eddie pepitone (@eddiepepitone) January 2, 2022
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) December 31, 2021
Q: Why we out here using horses to put an egg man back together again? pic.twitter.com/YaDP7cGjLg
— Jordan Carlos (@jordancarlos) December 31, 2021
Who are you trying to fool, books that have Roman numeral pages before the regular numbered pages start?
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) January 2, 2022
Would like to share the best New Years resolution I have ever heard, which is “I want to be in good enough shape that when I sit down or get up from sitting down I do not make any noises with my mouth about it”
— Kath Barbadoro (@kathbarbadoro) December 31, 2021
I’ve never gotten dressed for NYE and said to myself, “I feel like doing this!”
— CORINNE FISHER (@PhilanthropyGal) December 31, 2021
Why can’t the government get tests out in the communities? They distributed crack way quicker than this.
— Blake Hammond Dayton Jan 7-8 (@BigRadMachine) December 30, 2021
Hey babies pushing dolls in little strollers: the jig is up. we know you're a baby too.
— Luke Mones (@LukeMones) December 30, 2021
Whenever I hear an ad say "find it wherever books are sold" I think that the advertiser doesn't know what a bookstore is.
— Better Book Titles (@betterbooktitle) December 27, 2021
My son put some Trix in his ant farm. Instead of eating them, the ants dug up all of the dead ants in the farm and piled them on top of the Trix. Not sure what that means but I’m not eating Trix anymore.
— octopus/caveman (@OctopusCaveman) December 29, 2021
If you see a beer on tap in NYC named after the bar itself, buddy, you’re about to drink a $7 Pabst.
— Dan Wilbur (@DanWilbur) December 31, 2021
I decided to buy bubbles for a NYE toast in the interest of optimism. I asked the shop owner for a medium fancy champagne and she recommended one and as she was ringing it up said “This was the official champagne of the Titanic so it’s perfect for this year.” Oh well I tried.
— Danielle Evans (@daniellevalore) December 29, 2021
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