A few years back, I did a whole show about Grimms’ Fairy Tales. Among other things, I discovered how truly bizarre the original stories (as the Grimm Brothers compiled them) are.
Below are a few fake ones I wrote myself. If I can impart any knowledge about what I learned in my research on fairy tales, it’s this: they have no point. Unlike a fable or a parable, there is no moral lesson, necessarily.
Sometimes, a gnome is just a gnome, you gnome what I mean? I’m sorry. Please keep reading.
Please enjoy these new terrible fairy tales:
1. The Carrier Pigeon
One morning, back when there were no screens on windows, and no one worried about bird flu, a woman woke up to a pigeon standing on her chest. She loved birds and birds admired her as well, so she greeted the pigeon with a smile. She looked at the bird’s foot and saw that it had been injured. She said “Oh, poor bird. I‘ll fix you.” She bandaged up the bird and sent it on its way.
The pigeon returned a day later with a message tied around its healed leg. It was from the King. “Thanks for fixing my bird. Are you DTF?” The girl immediately wrote back, “I’d rather fuck this pigeon.” and sent it along.
The pigeon returned an hour later with another message from the King who wrote: “Joke’s on you, I am the pigeon. I need a spell to be broken to turn back into a king. The only way to do it is to give me one kiss.” The king also included a dick pic of his original, human penis (not the pigeon one).
The woman was aghast, but also flattered, but also remembered this sort of behavior was not OK. Days passed, and she didn’t respond. The pigeon kept coming back to see if she would respond. She didn’t. The pigeon eventually died, and the woman felt no remorse. The pigeon didn’t even turn into a king or anything after it died. It just fell to the ground and some mice ate it.
“Good riddance,” the woman thought. “It probably wasn’t even a king, anyway.”
A few years later the woman got anthrax from a sheep and died. She became a ghost and immediately was sent to Hell where the King also resided (they both went there because he was an asshole who didn’t bother feeding his own people, and she was there for the obvious bestiality). The King tried to open up a dialogue with her, but the ghost didn’t answer for all eternity. She was still mad about the unsolicited dick pic.
And that’s why when someone doesn’t text you back, we call it “ghosting.” In most cases, it is deserved.
2. The Best At Everything
Once upon a time when dreams weren’t given up on in the same instant you dreamt them, there was an ambitious boy. The ambitious boy wanted to go and do and be everything. He tried ice skating and banjo and even competitive burping. There was nothing the little ambitious boy wouldn’t try.
Then one day he became a man and met a woman who was a full 12 years older than he was but she was into him all the same. She asked him to marry her because she was an enlightened person who didn’t support a patriarchal system where men had to propose to women. She also said she would be the breadwinner of the family so that the ambitious man could continue his quest of becoming the best at everything. It was a super progressive household. They had exactly 2.4 children and a rescue dog.
The man grew old and got fat and sad and didn’t excel in anything in particular, even though he showed so much promise as a boy. He grew to resent his wife even though she supported everything he did. He decided to lash out and start spending their money on extravagant things like cool cars and an indoor basketball court. The woman allowed it even though she didn’t approve.
The now not-so-ambitious man was only the best at two things: masturbating in secret, and drinking eight beers without needing to pee before going to bed. He died at age 59, leaving his wife nothing. Luckily, she kept a secret fund of money that her husband didn’t know about so she could live well after he died. The woman never remarried but kept a few sexual partners on a steady rotation. Then she eventually died. She was buried next to her husband.
The man was really good at being dead since you’re not required to do much. Even so, he still wanted to be good at something in the afterlife. So he sat in Heaven and tried to become the best at banjo again, and people were like “this guy sucks” even in Heaven where you’d expect people to be polite. That’s how much he sucked. Heaven became Hell for him, and he remained unsatisfied. His wife, however, was remembered by all as a very successful mother and CEO of a shoe manufacturing business who in her spare time volunteered at a local prison. She was a good egg. Too bad her husband was a big piece of shit.
The moral: pick a thing or die in obscurity.
3. The Long-Lost Twins
Once there was a woman who gave birth to twins, an ugly boy and an average-looking girl. Well, they were babies, so it was hard to tell. Still, she liked the look of the girl, not the boy, and she only had enough food for one baby. She threw the ugly boy into a river. This was a time before child services existed or really policing of any kind, so most rivers were half-baby. The baby she threw in a river used his baby strength to hang onto a stick and managed to survive until the current took him to a new town.
The town had more amenities than the poorer town he was born in, and he was adopted by a family who were attempting to raise all of their 9 children to be powerful wizards. They soon discovered, however, that magic isn’t real, and so each child, one by one, became a lawyer.
Meanwhile, the twin sister of the discarded boy grew up. The girl turned out to be very lazy and not that attractive. On her 12th birthday, her mother got a little drunk and admitted: “I think I threw out the wrong baby.” The daughter always felt that she’d somehow been missing a sibling, and had asked several times if her mom was hiding something. “I tell you what you need to know.” her mother would respond, which was enough that she should have figured out something was up, but the girl was a little slow, and never really pushed for more information.
The girl waited for her mother to pass out that evening, then set off into the woods to find her twin brother. It took her 15 years to find the town that was only 2 miles away. Again, she was pretty dumb. When she finally arrived in the town, her brother met her in the street and instantly fell in love. She had never seen someone so handsome in all her life (she’d spent most of the last 15 years surrounded by bears), so she agreed to be married the next day.
At the wedding, when the priest asked if anyone had any objections as to why the two should not be married, nearly half the audience interrupted to say “they look like brother and sister. Maybe we should find out who their parents are so nothing weird happens?”
That’s when the daughter spoke up: “Oh, right. I was journeying in the forest for years to find my long-lost twin brother. I completely forgot.” She turned to her fiancé: “It’s probably you.”
The entire town let out a “HOORAY!” and in their excitement, the couple kissed on the lips which made everyone in attendance feel strange.
The twins set off into the woods that very night to give their mother a talking-to about leaving a note on discarded babies so that people don’t end up attracted to their siblings. When they arrived at their mother’s house, they found her crying. She told them she knew this day would come, and explained that she had once lived in the town where the twins lived but was banished when the local priest got her pregnant. She bemoaned the struggles of being a single mom and apologized to her children.
“The priest still lives there!” the boy said.
All three of them went back into town the next morning, and the boy (now a lawyer) sued the priest for lots of money. Unfortunately, the priest stuck to his vow of poverty much more ardently than to his vow of celibacy, so all they got out of the settlement was a couple of cool statues of the Virgin Mary and a candelabra. They did, however, convince everyone in town that the priest had to go. He was banished and had to live in the forest for the rest of his life.
The family lived comfortably in the town for the rest of their lives but did not feel very happy because too much fucked up shit had happened to them, and there was no priest in town to confide in. Everyone felt a little lost. At least they were all together though. That’s nice.
4. The Two Sons And The Witch
There once was a man who had two sons: one was lazy, and the other was even lazier. People would see one boy loitering around town and say “Fuck. That kid is lazy.” before tripping over the second boy who was napping on the sidewalk. When the boys’ father would go out to find firewood, the boys would sit on a couch and not move until their father came back. As soon as he entered the house, the boys would jump up and ask if he had any food. The father became fed up with the boys’ lack of effort, so he went to a witch to see if she could cast a spell to make them work or at least force them to find a hobby.
He trekked up a mountain where a witch was known to live, and when he found her, she was in the middle of watching a puppet show. She told the man to sit until it was over. The puppet show lasted 3 days and had almost no plot. The man tried as hard as he could to stay awake, but he couldn’t help but nap. He awoke on the third day to find the puppet show had ended, and the puppeteers were collecting their pay from the witch, and shooting dirty looks at the man for not remaining entertained for the full 3-day show. The puppeteers stepped over the man and left the cave. Finally, the witch turned to the man and asked what he wanted.
“Please,” said the man, “I have two sons who are lazy beyond belief. I need you to cast a spell on them to make them work.”
The witch cackled: “Like father, like sons!”
“I’m not lazy! I was bored during the puppet show and fell asleep.”
“Bored??” The witch yelled. “It’s a goddamn classic about the human condition. The king punches his wife in the face. Who can’t relate to that? What else do you want from entertainment??”
“Nothing.” the man responded. “I don’t wish to be entertained. I wish for my kids to be less lazy.”
“Why don’t you kill them and make new kids.”
“I can’t do that!”
“Aha! Who’s the lazy one now? Can’t even be bothered to make new babies. Tsk, tsk.”
As the conversation drew on, it became clear to the man that the witch had no intention of casting any spell, and was coming up with excuse after excuse to not do her job as a witch. “Now that’s some lazy shit.” he thought to himself. Finally, the man gave up and walked down the mountain back to his home. He arrived to find the puppeteers in his room, entertaining the boys. When the man entered his home, the puppeteers began insulting him as the puppets, which puppeteers do so they can get away with saying anything. It’s really cruel, and the man’s rotten children ate it up. The snide zingers were well thought out since the puppeteers had three days to write the jokes while the man slept in the cave. A few really stung.
“Not in my own house!” the man screamed and began punching the puppets, which was dumb because puppets aren’t real. The puppeteers didn’t break character though, and they started saying “Ouch! Help!” Man, it was pretty silly. The witch heard these pleas for help and immediately appeared in the home. Outraged that her favorite puppet characters were being assaulted, she took a sword and cut the man in two. Everyone was grossed out until she turned the two pieces of the man’s body into extremely comfortable reclining chairs. The boys sat down in them and spent the rest of their lives watching the puppets. They died of starvation a week later. You can’t just sit in a chair all day and do nothing and expect to survive. Anyway, that’s why we call those chairs La-Z-Boys.
5. The Virgin Mary
There once was a virgin named Mary (not that one. Mary is a very common name. Even when The Virgin Mary was around, the name was common. Don’t blame me for the confusion. Take it up with… God, I guess?). Mary was ready to start having sex but was in no mood to get married.
“Marriage comes with so much baggage. I want to hook up with no strings attached, and get it out of the way.” Mary said to herself.
This was in 1300-something, so Mary’s wish to lose her virginity before marriage presented a problem. If anyone knew she’d had sex out of wedlock, she’d be cast out of her kingdom or forced to become a nun or quickly married off to some jerk who would pretend he was the one who’d really gotten her pregnant. If she decided to have sex, pregnancy wasn’t a sure thing, but her birth control options were dubious and often frightening. They involved douche potions made from frog skins or chainmail condoms. Can you imagine?
Mary prayed aloud each night that God would send her a discreet sexual partner who would not get her pregnant. God didn’t hear her because he was busy helping people survive the plague at the time. “What a selfish person!” is what God would have thought if he’d heard the prayer. “People are sick and dying and all this lady thinks about is sex?” God would think but then immediately would have forgiven her because God does that.
A tiny man who often stood outside Mary’s window and watched her sleep at night heard Mary’s prayer. He hopped up on the windowsill.
“I, Scentillious, will sleep with you and tell no one.”
“Ugh. You again.” Mary said, rolling her eyes, “You’ll tell no one because you have no friends.”
Scentillious responded: “Mary, I will sleep with you if you simply promise me your first-born child.”
Mary laughed. “You’re not in a position to negotiate! I don’t want to have sex with you. Why would I give you something in return? Sex with me is the greatest thing that would ever happen to you in your sad, little life.”
“Fine… Your second-born.”
“Go away.” Mary said.
“Oh… I’m getting friend-zoned, am I?” Scentillious said.
“You’re getting ‘No-zoned.’ I never want to see you again.” Mary shoved Scentillious out of her window. She was on the top floor of a castle, and Scentillious had no magic abilities whatsoever, so he fell many stories down, and smacked the ground loudly.
“That’s that.” Mary said and went to sleep.
Years later, Mary found herself a virgin on her wedding night. Sure, she and the prince who’d proposed to her had dry-humped a few times, but that wasn’t the real thing, now was it? Mary was very excited about her wedding night and did everything to make it perfect. She lit a fire in the fireplace, bought fancy soft cheeses, and wore her best undergarments. While waiting for her prince to arrive in her chambers, a short silhouette appeared in front of the fireplace.
Mary knew that voice. Scentillious was in her room.
“What do you want?” Mary asked.
“What you promised me. Your second baby.”
“You dumb troll. I haven’t even had sex yet.”
“So… You’re saying you still need someone to take your virginity, huh?”
“Damn it, Scentllious!” Mary said.
“What? A man can’t even ask? What has the world come to?”
At that very moment, the prince walked in to find his bride sprawled out on the bed while a tiny man ogled her.
“And what’s going on here exactly?” The prince said.
“Oh, please,” said Mary. “I would never. This guy tried to sleep with me years ago, and still can’t take a hint.”
“Oh, I see.” said the Prince. “You two DO have a history. Well, well, well.”
Mary was nonplussed. “You’re both idiots. Why don’t you have sex with each other.”
Mary stormed out of the room, the castle, and eventually the kingdom altogether. She made her way south to Greece where it was warm most of the year so people were having sex all the time. She lost her virginity to a man named Dimitri, but stayed single and played the field for many years. She had a lot of fun.
The moral: if you live in a place where people judge you for your sexual needs, move.
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