In case you didn’t know already, I’m obsessed with book covers. Coincidentally, I run an entire website about fake titles. The truth, however, is always stranger than fiction. Frankly, I can’t believe these titles actually exist in the world.
Whether it’s a purposefully enticing title like Chris Kraus’s novel I Love Dick or an educational read that’s as upfront as it is silly like Everyone Poops, real book covers are funnier than the fake ones I make here.
Side note: when I worked in a bookstore, customers often walked in and treated booksellers like Google, saying the title of a book without even a “hello, do you have _______?” This led to a few unnerving moments when, out of nowhere, someone entered the store and announced: “I Love Dick?” We had to put it out on the front table so people could find it themselves.
Anyway, today we’re here to celebrate the truly weird and hilarious books that exist in the world. In fact, some of them are still in print. Buckle up. It’s going to get weird.
Here are the funniest real books that you won’t believe actually exist:
1. How To Make Money In Your Spare Time.
Looks like there’s an easy life hack to be learned. Rob people?
2. Still Stripping After 25 Years (Quilt In A Day)
Still crazy (for quilts) after all these years.
3. Images You Should Not Masturbate To
I dare you to not do it!
4. Natural Bust Enlargement With Total Mind Power
If only this worked for other parts of the anatomy. I’ve given it enough thought to be the next Pete Davidson.
5. The Beginner’s Guide To Sex In The Afterlife
I, for one, hope that when I’m dead, I’m no longer horny. Maybe that’s just me. I’ve heard of hungry ghosts. But libidinous ones? Yikes. Calm down. You’re dead. Go haunt someone and tell them to avenge you.
6. The Manly Art of Knitting
You should make your own cowboy hat. Women love a man who’s good with his hands.
7. Pooh Gets Stuck
An unfortunate title. Might still be a good book, but they should have thought this through.
8. Games You Can Play With Your Pussy
Grab a laser pointer and get to work – wait.
9. Everyone Poops
True story: my parents bought me this when I was 17. They knew they forgot something.
10. English As She Is Spoke
In case you didn’t know about this one: it’s a Portuguese to English phrasebook from 1855. The twist? The author did not speak English. Nay, he did not even own a Portuguese-to-English dictionary at the time of writing.
I own a copy thanks to writer Paul Auster discussing it in an interview. It’s as good as he said it was. Mark Twain was also apparently a big fan. There are some highlights like the “common” phrase ‘You come too rare,’ but this is one of my favorite pages:
11. No He’s Not A Monkey He’s An Ape And He’s My Son
I take the author at his word.
12. Invisible Dick
He must be stopped!
13. Goblinproofing One’s Chicken Coop
An important security measure for chicken owners.
14. C** For Bigfoot
This is a romance series that features ladies who want to bang Bigfoot. Much like the other men in the lives of people who read these books, Bigfoot is elusive or imaginary.
15. Brainwashing Is A Cinch
A useful skill if you’re a parent or a sociopath.
16. Be Bold With Bananas
Sure, it looks like any cookbook, but when you look inside, you see how bold they were with the bananas. It’s disturbing stuff.
It’s a candle, see? That’s supposed to be wax. Banana wax.
17. If God Loves Me, Why Can’t I Get My Locker Open?
Possibly the greatest theological conundrum: why does a just God let bad things happen to good people? Why can’t he open his locker?? Because he’s sinned too much, of course.
18. Carma Sutra
I can’t imagine there are more than three different positions a couple can manage in a car.
19. How To Avoid Huge Ships
An important skill. I just stay on land, but if you’ve ever seen Speed 2: Cruise Control, you know that doesn’t always work.
20. Bread On Arrival
Still my favorite culinary murder mystery title. In between chapters, there are recipes. A great find.
21. A Tomb With A View
Another perfect pun IMHO.
22. Who Cares About Elderly People
It’s a good question. The cover makes it seem like a dog babysits both children and the elderly. Seems like a bad idea.
23. Anybody Can Be Cool… But Awesome Takes Practice
I believe the second half is true, but the first part? Not everyone can be cool. Certainly, no one who carries this book around is ever going to be the next Miles Davis.
24. Fancy Coffins To Make Yourself
Some DIY projects should be left to professionals.
25. Crafting With Cat Hair
26. Learning To Play With A Lion’s Testicles
As Hemingway wrote: “You cannot describe a wild lion’s roar. When you hear it you first feel it in your scrotum.” Well, what if there were a book about touching a lion’s scrotum. Sincerely, I have no fucking clue what’s going on here.
27. The Relaxed Rabbit: Massage For Your Pet Bunny
If you’re gonna own a rabbit, might as well treat it right.
28. Better Than Bombproof: New Ways To Make Your Horse A Solid Citizen And Keep You Safe
Apparently, horses are citizens? I wonder who’s polling well in the horse community. Probably Carrot Top. Oh, boy. I’m sorry for that one but I’m not deleting it. Make your horse bombproof.
29. Some Girls, Some Hats, And Hitler
This is a great read, and I’m jealous of the title. Some people don’t know how to pique anyone’s interest, but this one is a gem.
30. Old Tractors And The Men Who Love Them
Sounds like a beautiful romance. That’s because it is one.