Yes, we all love books here. In fact, you should probably be reading one instead of this website, but come on. You’re on the toilet or the subway right now. That’s no time for mind-expanding fiction.
Sometimes, you want to unwind with a few funny short jokes. Thankfully, that’s really all anyone is posting on Twitter these days (unless you count all the un-Democratic misinformation. There’s always room for that on social media.).
Not everyone is built to write the next great American novel. Some people like to fit their genius ideas into a tweet under 240 characters. That’s good for everyone. We don’t always have the attention span for a long, drawn-out essay about our first sexual experience or a reflection on the pervasive ennui that affects all novelists. None of these people have the attention span to write anything longer, I promise you.
Unless we’re counting a half-hour comedy spec script. Many of the people below have a ton of those. For now, let’s read the funny tweets that deserve a Pulitzer.
Here are the funniest tweets I had time to find this week:
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6.
7.
The Hobbit to LOTR pipeline is hilarious in retrospect. It would be like if 20 years after Stuart Little was published, E.B. White slammed down 1000 pages about how Stuart’s nephew killed the devil.
— Brendan Frasier Crane (@bf_crane) January 27, 2022
8.
one time when i worked as a host at a fancy restaurant in LA, joaquin phoenix’s people called to try to book him a last minute table for that night and i said “more like walk-in phoenix” and they literally hung up on me
— trash jones (@jzux) January 27, 2022
9.
Weird to think about watching TV before smartphones. Did I just sit there staring?
— Steve Hely (@helytimes) January 27, 2022
10.
not wordle, just weezer blue album
🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦
🟦🟦 ᴡᴇᴇᴢᴇʀ 🟦
🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦
🟦👨🏻🦲👦🏻👱🏻♂️🧑🏻🟦
🟦🥼👕👚👕🟦
🟦👖👖👖👖🟦— 식은고기 (@not_bulgogi) January 29, 2022
11.
FRASIER: Niles, I just purchased myself a Bored Ape
NILES: I got one for free when I took dad to see La Boheme
— Ben Rosen (@ben_rosen) January 26, 2022
12.
Rent keeps getting higher, and I get the same wage. pic.twitter.com/kadwZDJXy4
— Maggie Crane (@MargaretKCrane) January 26, 2022
13.
Stand up comedy is like therapy to me. Everything I say is a lie and they give me drugs when I’m done
— zach reinert (@zachreinert0) January 27, 2022
14.
I once met a guy at a wedding who said, "Money is just energy moving from one place to another." And I've never been more sure someone's parents send them monthly energy.
— James Hamilton (@thejamham) January 26, 2022
15.
There’s a lot of non-alcoholic beer now. Soon there will be calorie-free non-alcoholic beer. We’re so close to drinking water.
— Dan Wilbur (@DanWilbur) January 26, 2022
16.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
— Jessie Cannizzaro (@JessCannizzaro) January 26, 2022
17.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
— Joe Rumrill (@2tonbug) January 25, 2022
18.
He died doing what he loved: exiting, pursued by a bear
— SparkNotes (@SparkNotes) January 25, 2022
19.
finally reading House of Leaves pic.twitter.com/MPEFzQxTsr
— david byron queen (@byron_queen) January 25, 2022
20.
The entire cauliflower rice/lentil pasta industry is built on the flawed premise that what people like about carbs is the shape
— Ginny Hogan_ (@ginnyhogan_) January 26, 2022
21.
calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories”
— m. (@MilanBrielle) January 24, 2022
22.
my mom is always like “when I was your age I had two difficult teenagers and a husband who was never home and worked full-time and was in night school and I NEVER complained!”and I’m just like wow ok maybe you like.…..should have?!?!?
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) January 25, 2022
23.
going through my 5th grade diary pic.twitter.com/OJfPsOlsif
— Simp Fried Rice PhD (@heyitsbayy) January 23, 2022
24.
well well well if it isn’t the one ingredient I already had for a recipe so I went out and bought 8 more things for it and then I waited a few days and now that one ingredient went bad
— Maggie? Winters? (@saggiesplinters) January 30, 2022
25.
Rappers really be dissing they own fans “U working minimum wage while I spend ur rent at the club” bro I’m tryna feed my family
— 𝗕𝗿𝗲𝗲𝘇𝘆’😵💫 (@OvOBrezzzy) January 29, 2022
See more great content from Better Book Titles:
Here Are Some Hilarious Fake Retitles For Famous Children’s Books (33 Pics)
Wow, There’s A Sentence I’ve Never Read Before (30 Pics)
Everybody’s A Critic – The Best Of The Worst Funny One-Star Reviews On Goodreads
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