Yes, we all love books here. In fact, you should probably be reading one instead of this website, but come on. You’re on the toilet or the subway right now. That’s no time for mind-expanding fiction.
Sometimes, you want to unwind with a few funny short jokes. Thankfully, that’s really all anyone is posting on Twitter these days (unless you count all the un-Democratic misinformation. There’s always room for that on social media.).
Not everyone is built to write the next great American novel. Some people like to fit their genius ideas into a tweet under 240 characters. That’s good for everyone. We don’t always have the attention span for a long, drawn-out essay about our first sexual experience or a reflection on the pervasive ennui that affects all novelists. None of these people have the attention span to write anything longer, I promise you.
Unless we’re counting a half-hour comedy spec script. Many of the people below have a ton of those. For now, let’s read the funny tweets that deserve a Pulitzer.
Here are the funniest tweets I had time to find this week:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
If you're wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) April 23, 2022
11.
Had a dream where I started selling this hat and it gradually took over my life pic.twitter.com/NEnXS8q2GN
— Brooks Otterlake (@i_zzzzzz) April 24, 2022
12.
I am so incredibly talented. I have the ability to go from looking at myself in the mirror sobbing because I’m ugly to five seconds later thinking I’d have a shot with Andrew Garfield if he just got to know me.
— brooke (@ladyefron) April 24, 2022
13.
spring is the perfect time for a frog to put on a little gentleman’s suit and play a banjo atop a wild mushroom imo
— Ash (an female) ⚪️ (@adult_mom) April 22, 2022
14.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
— Crockett🍀 (@CrockettForReal) April 22, 2022
15.
name a more successful rebrand than mayonnaise becoming aioli
— nesrin danan (@blackprints) April 22, 2022
16.
umm am i old or is it weird that my gen z coworker just turned to me and pushed me down a flight of stairs…??
— caroline doyle (@cd0yl3) April 22, 2022
17.
me: I spy with my little eye something… brown
other soldier in the trojan horse: *sigh* is it wood ag—
me: yeah it’s wood again
— Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau) April 22, 2022
18.
Some of these Central Park bench tributes say a lot more about the person who bought it than the deceased. pic.twitter.com/eZI0uHoYBD
— Sean Crespo (@SeanCrespo) April 21, 2022
19.
I press a coin into the ferryman's pale hand. But it's actually the ferry-nan and she gives it back to me and tells me to spend it on sweets.
— Alasdair Beckett-King (@MisterABK) April 21, 2022
20.
I want to be the guy in a video game town who says things like "I'd like to help you complete the tapestry, but I can't do anything until I find my Wᴏᴏᴅᴇɴ Bɪʀᴅ"
— James Austin Johnson (@shrimpJAJ) April 20, 2022
21.
When people try to hype up sobriety by saying, “you won’t miss the hangovers!” like…no shit. who thought they were gonna miss hangovers? I miss the part where I didn’t really know what was going on
— Ginny Hogan_ (@ginnyhogan_) April 24, 2022
22.
I wish there were a finite number of things you could google in your lifetime. oh I’ve only got 600 googles left?? guess I don’t have to know how tall laura dern is. guess I could pick up a book or have a conversation with someone I love
— Laura Peek (@laurapeek_) April 24, 2022
23.
Every tv network trying to become a standalone paid streaming service comes off like a married guy convinced that he’d be dating Margot Robbie if he were single.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) April 23, 2022
24.
I get so jealous whenever I read that someone died in their sleep. You slept through death?? I can't even sleep through a toothache
— Rachel McCartney (@RachelMComedy) April 23, 2022
25.
Twitter pic.twitter.com/GHOyjC75ek
— 𝔅𝔯𝔬𝔱𝔞𝔤𝔬𝔫𝔦𝔰𝔱 𝔬𝔣 ℜ𝔢𝔞𝔩𝔦𝔱𝔶 (@clevelandreaper) April 23, 2022
See more great posts from Better Book Titles:
Here Are Some Hilarious Fake Retitles For Famous Children’s Books (33 Pics)
Wow, There’s A Sentence I’ve Never Read Before (30 Pics)
Everybody’s A Critic – The Best Of The Worst Funny One-Star Reviews On Goodreads
Leave a Reply