Yes, we all love books here. In fact, you should probably be reading one instead of this website, but come on. You’re on the toilet or the subway right now. That’s no time for mind-expanding fiction.
Sometimes, you want to unwind with a few funny short jokes. Thankfully, that’s really all anyone is posting on Twitter these days (unless you count all the un-Democratic misinformation. There’s always room for that on social media.).
Not everyone is built to write the next great American novel. Some people like to fit their genius ideas into a tweet under 240 characters. That’s good for everyone. We don’t always have the attention span for a long, drawn-out essay about our first sexual experience or a reflection on the pervasive ennui that affects all novelists. None of these people have the attention span to write anything longer, I promise you.
Unless we’re counting a half-hour comedy spec script. Many of the people below have a ton of those. For now, let’s read the funny tweets that deserve a Pulitzer.
Here are the funniest tweets I had time to find this week:
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You can tell New York is a great city because whenever people leave they feel like they have to write an essay explaining themselves. Nobody is writing a Why I Left Kansas City essay. It would just be like “Because I wanted to.”
— Samantha Ruddy (@samlymatters) February 28, 2022
11.
why is it called LAPD and not Pauper Troll
— blaine capatch (@blainecapatch) February 27, 2022
12.
Kind of over "speakeasies." Bro, you're listed on yelp
— Mary Kobayashi (@MaryKoCo) February 27, 2022
13.
Truly insane how comedians these days are expected to be good at stand-up, sketch, social media, podcasts and lead their country through a Russian invasion
— gianmarco (@GianmarcoSoresi) February 27, 2022
14.
Due to current events the White Russian cocktail will now be called a Creamy Jonathan
— Bill Corbett (@BillCorbett) February 26, 2022
15.
i played Juliet in high school and the morning after opening night, I came late to 2nd period and my teacher was like “ooh are you too big a star now to show up on time for American History?” and I got to be like “my grandma died this morning”
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) February 25, 2022
16.
Idea: a captcha before you post a political view but instead of finding buses, you have to correctly identify on a blank map where the country you want to tweet about is located
— LISA CURRY (@lisa_curry) February 24, 2022
17.
I can’t believe asking Putin not to didn’t work. Did they even have their hands on their hips?
— Michelle Wolf (@michelleisawolf) February 25, 2022
18.
Dear Vladimir Putin, I would not have been your mother because the Soviet Union allowed women to have abortions.
— Laurie Kilmartin- West Bend WI, March 5 (@anylaurie16) February 24, 2022
19.
If you ask my mom what book she is reading, she will tell you the entire plot, start to finish — and then you can cross that book off your list.
— Dawn- streets are for people -Siff (@dawnsiff) February 24, 2022
20.
— The Horny Police (@TheeHornyyPoPo) February 23, 2022
21.
I don't need no freaking crypto currency because my money is already backed up by a chain. It goes from my wallet to my belt loop
— Jake Flores NYC show 3/15 THE GUTTER (@feraljokes) February 23, 2022
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Crypto is just the stock market for people who think superhero movies should win more Oscars.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) February 22, 2022
23.
Slack crashing and not getting the day off is the adult version of having to go to school in a snowstorm that isn't technically dangerous enough for a snow day
— Kimberly 🧜🏻♀️ Dinaro💲 (@KimberDin) February 22, 2022
24.
Kurt Vonnegut & Philip K. Dick just fist-bumped in heaven https://t.co/XJDMwFsHdU
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) February 24, 2022
25.
🎶
Doom scroll! Bummer in the city
Back of my brain getting hurty and shitty
Hurt soul! Jokes are not so witty
Doesn't seem to be a punchline in the city
Online, laughs are landing like lead
Tweeting on the toilet, bleaker than The Walking Dead
🎶— Dan Telfer (@dantelfer) February 24, 2022
See more funny content from Better Book Titles:
Here Are Some Hilarious Fake Retitles For Famous Children’s Books (33 Pics)
Wow, There’s A Sentence I’ve Never Read Before (30 Pics)
Everybody’s A Critic – The Best Of The Worst Funny One-Star Reviews On Goodreads
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