Yes, we all love books here. In fact, you should probably be reading one instead of this website, but come on. You’re on the toilet or the subway right now. That’s no time for mind-expanding fiction.
Sometimes, you want to unwind with a few funny short jokes. Thankfully, that’s really all anyone is posting on Twitter these days (unless you count all the un-Democratic misinformation. There’s always room for that on social media.).
Not everyone is built to write the next great American novel. Some people like to fit their genius ideas into a tweet under 240 characters. That’s good for everyone. We don’t always have the attention span for a long, drawn-out essay about our first sexual experience or a reflection on the pervasive ennui that affects all novelists. None of these people have the attention span to write anything longer, I promise you.
Unless we’re counting a half-hour comedy spec script. Many of the people below have a ton of those. For now, let’s read the funny tweets that deserve a Pulitzer.
Here are the funniest tweets I had time to find this week:
1.
Fixed this for Shakespeare pic.twitter.com/5HUQwgTQHH
— Lincoln Michel (@TheLincoln) October 22, 2022
2.
*at a job interview*
“Can you perform under pressure?”
Me: “I’m not sure I know all the lyrics but here goes nothing.”— Alison Burke (@TiredActor) October 21, 2022
3.
“Is it the shoes?!?” -NBA announcer watching Perseus kill Medusa
— Better Book Titles (@betterbooktitle) October 22, 2022
4.
just listened to Taylor swift's new album and I don't get the hype. It struck me as an odd decision to have a constant beeping backing the music, reminded me too much of a carbon monoxide alarm. Listening to the album took a lot out of me, I feel really tired and my head hurts
— FDR’s Muscular, Awe-Inspiring Legs (@snelsonmandela2) October 23, 2022
5.
not my drunk ass getting lured into the catacombs
— dizzy (@rundizzy) October 21, 2022
6.
the fun part of pet ownership is that every now and then they'll start acting funny and the cure will either be that they need to take a dump or have a $3000 surgery and you just get to guess which one you're dealing with
— Janel Comeau (@VeryBadLlama) October 20, 2022
7.
my culture is not your costume pic.twitter.com/BTVEyGyVKW
— slimboy fat (@ubanks) October 19, 2022
8.
Mostly jealous that the UK can take 6 weeks to realize that they've made a mistake but women in the US can't.
— Ariel Elias (@Ariel_Comedy) October 20, 2022
9.
The announcers just referred to a pitcher as "the king of soft contact" and now I need to pick a new title for my smooth jazz album!!! 🙁
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) October 24, 2022
10.
2 hours of cooking just to eat in 10 minutes and now I've gotta wash everything pic.twitter.com/XGbjCXHyvV
— name cannot be blank (@stfuayen) October 16, 2022
11.
My ex used to always want to sleep right after sex and I didn’t. He’d be like “you don’t understand, orgasms make me sleepy” and it’s like ok but orgasms also make me sleepy
— Ginny Hogan_ (@ginnyhogan_) October 16, 2022
12.
the best part of sitting in the exit row is when the flight attendant comes by to make you promise not to be a coward
— nate of the living dead (@MNateShyamalan) October 15, 2022
13.
that van gogh painting pic.twitter.com/iS7OfewmDl
— Abby Barr (@1AbbyRoad) October 14, 2022
14.
my mom may be a white woman but she really defies stereotype cuz, like, as long as ive known her she’s never once demanded to speak to a manager…. she’s always been perfectly happy to just keep screaming at an entry level employee
— Robert Schultz (@_RobertSchultz) October 22, 2022
15.
they should make a narcan for weed so if u get "scared of tv" level high u can sniff a little and come down to a "watching tv is fun" level
— drewtoothpaste (@drewtoothpaste) October 16, 2022
16.
being an adult is hard but can you imagine having to do math homework again
— Taylor Trudon (@taylortrudon) October 19, 2022
17.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks pic.twitter.com/LFaFugVqUO
— kim (@KimmyMonte) October 19, 2022
18.
tbt to when i accidentally booked a non-refundable hotel and i was trying to get exp*dia to cancel it like 2 minutes after booking and they said, “no… but we can change the date” so i asked them to change it to the year 2099 and they just refunded me 😭
— rebecca (@abcdrih) October 19, 2022
19.
me & my friends giving each other advise pic.twitter.com/HDNODsEKa4
— ⊹ (@luvinflix) October 20, 2022
20.
I love when your phone gets old and it just starts acting haunted
— Luke Mones (@LukeMones) October 17, 2022
21.
Spending over $100 for make-believe groceries at Trader Joe’s when you still have to go to another grocery store for real groceries is camp.
— post-hipster runoff altbaguette //// 🪩 (@rinnyriot) October 16, 2022
22.
john green had to be using some sort of mind control bc why was i convinced “okay? okay.” was the peak of literature at 12
— tia (@cursedhive) October 16, 2022
23.
RIP Hagrid 🖤 https://t.co/w1DO3CeyCB
— bitchass (@BitchassChicken) October 14, 2022
24.
I’m taking a break from social media this is so toxic. I’ll see yall in 11 minutes
— IG: closedapp (@ih8rts) October 20, 2022
25.
Thanks for the reply. Are there any other personal details from your life that make this joke setup not applicable to you? You can reply here or I’d be happy to hop on a call and hear more
— warrior cop (@wyatt_privilege) October 22, 2022
See more great posts from Better Book Titles:
Check Out The Better Book Titles Shop!
Wow, There’s A Sentence I’ve Never Read Before (30 Pics)
Everybody’s A Critic – The Best Of The Worst Funny One-Star Reviews On Goodreads
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