Yes, we all love books here. In fact, you should probably be reading one instead of this website, but come on. You’re on the toilet or the subway right now. That’s no time for mind-expanding fiction.
Sometimes, you want to unwind with a few funny short jokes. Thankfully, that’s really all anyone is posting on Twitter these days (unless you count all the un-Democratic misinformation. There’s always room for that on social media.).
Not everyone is built to write the next great American novel. Some people like to fit their genius ideas into a tweet under 240 characters. That’s good for everyone. We don’t always have the attention span for a long, drawn-out essay about our first sexual experience or a reflection on the pervasive ennui that affects all novelists. None of these people have the attention span to write anything longer, I promise you.
Unless we’re counting a half-hour comedy spec script. Many of the people below have a ton of those. For now, let’s read the funny tweets that deserve a Pulitzer.
Here are the funniest tweets I had time to find this week:
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Every year when I get the Christmas lights out of the garage I am struck by how little respect last year’s me has for this year’s me
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) December 12, 2021
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Pretty Good Horse Stories can go fuck itself. pic.twitter.com/XoPxnIXTbk
— Stefan Sirucheckplease! (@sirstefan) December 10, 2021
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FACEBOOK RECOMMENDING I FRIEND MY EX: Do you know Laura?
ME: I THOUGHT I DID
— gianmarco (@GianmarcoSoresi) December 8, 2021
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It feels like things got so bad they stopped making Black Mirror.
— Ian Abramson (@ianabramson) December 8, 2021
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Every big city heroine in a Hallmark Christmas Movie needs to ask where that small town guy was on January 6, 2021.
— Rohita Kadambi (@RohitaKadambi) December 1, 2021
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Divorces should not cost money. You should get back what you spent on the wedding. At the very least – store credit.
— Ginny Hogan_ (@ginnyhogan_) December 7, 2021
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Yeah…Torture, motherfucker! I fuckin’- I fuckin’ hang a full can of paint from the top of the stairs, and swing it at your head while you’re walking up. Yeah, I fuckin’ I’ll fuckin’ shoot your dick with an air rifle and then light your head on fire with a blowtorch
— Dan Wilbur (@DanWilbur) December 14, 2020
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“sorry I responded late to your email I was unjustifiably terrified of opening it”
— Kyle Chayka (@chaykak) December 12, 2021
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I was singing You Are My Sunshine to my 3 year old and he told me he hates that song. I said that's a shame because I use to sing it to him when he was in my tummy before he was born and he looked me dead in the eyes and said "I hated it then too".
— 🎄Aice is my Christmas name – ask me why 🎄 (@AliceTaylorM) December 12, 2021
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He's making a list. He's checking it twice. He's adding a picture. He's completely fucked the formatting. He's closing the Word document in anger.
— Ross Sayers (@Sayers33) December 11, 2021
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Getting bullied did not make me stronger. It made me still afraid of 8th Graders.
— Hari Kondabolu (@harikondabolu) December 12, 2021
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“Looks like there’s no supply chain issues for peppermint bark.” — my colon
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) December 11, 2021
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when the takeout you ordered for yourself includes 4 sets of utensils pic.twitter.com/bhrBJsYf5m
— Alyssa Limperis (@alyssalimp) December 7, 2021
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Just saw someone describe crypto as 'Mary Kay for young men' and now I'm dying.
— Tracy Alloway (@tracyalloway) December 6, 2021
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See more great content from Better Book Titles:
27 Of The Best Gift Ideas For Book Lovers
30 Hilarious Harry Potter Memes To Celebrate The 20-Year Anniversary Of The First Movie
Everybody’s A Critic – The Best Of The Worst Funny One-Star Reviews On Goodreads
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