Sometimes, you want to unwind with a few funny short jokes. Thankfully, that’s really all anyone is posting on Twitter these days (unless you count all the un-Democratic misinformation. There’s always room for that on social media.).
Not everyone is built to write the next great American novel. Some people like to fit their genius ideas into a tweet under 240 characters. That’s good for everyone. We don’t always have the attention span for a long, drawn-out essay about our first sexual experience or a reflection on the pervasive ennui that affects all novelists. None of these people have the attention span to write anything longer, I promise you.
Unless we’re counting a half-hour comedy spec script. Many of the people below have a ton of those. For now, let’s read the funny tweets that deserve a Pulitzer.
Here are the funniest tweets I had time to find this week:
A crypto company has bought the naming rights to the Staples Center for a record breaking price tag of SEVEN monkey pictures.
— J.P. McDade (@jp_mcdade) November 17, 2021
I’m single by choice. I mean, not my choice, but you know, someone’s choice.
— Ginny Hogan_ (@ginnyhogan_) November 17, 2021
Petition to change “et al.” to “and gang” in academia
— cels (@lil_cels) November 15, 2021
heyyy great party last night 🙂 soooo fun!! wondering if by any chance you found a paper clip ???
— charlie (@chunkbardey) November 22, 2021
good blurb pic.twitter.com/YgM42ZTy3c
— Alex Shephard (@alex_shephard) November 21, 2021
“I ate too much free bread and butter and did a mondo shit that broke the toilet here. because they only have one unisex bathroom the manager says I have to apologize to everyone: Boys AND girls” https://t.co/ogpaezGHZu
— eli yudin (@eliyudin) November 14, 2021
include this scene or gtfo pic.twitter.com/fWO9z8nNmt
— Bill Corbett (@BillCorbett) November 17, 2021
Has anyone mastered the art of showing their ID and vax card yet? I somehow can’t do it without dropping all my credit cards then accidentally flashing a nude on my phone.
— Isabel Hagen (@isabelhagen_) November 16, 2021
Got the booster and the nurse administering the shot showed me the label on the syringe like it was a bottle of wine. I was like, “Ah, 2021- wonderful year.”
— Bandgang Nathan Bands (@natefridson) November 15, 2021
your ducks can also be organized into columns
— Jenna SaysQuoi (@jennasaysquoi) November 14, 2021
*youth pastor voice*
What about critical Grace theory?
— Patrick McKelvey (@chikntendrqueer) November 13, 2021
Dying at the description of Pete Davidson's appeal as "manic pixie line cook"
— Zack Budryk (@BudrykZack) November 21, 2021
Whenever I have to buy a nice gift for someone I don't know every well, I always totally choke and get them like a bag of fancy buttons or three pounds of designer ham.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) November 20, 2021
TV Idea: “Badgerton." Like Bridgerton but with woodland animals.
— RainnWilson (@rainnwilson) November 22, 2021
reading for pleasure implies the existence of reading for pain and that’s why we’re all on twitter
— ꧁Madimoiselle꧂ (@drivingmemadi) November 17, 2021
they said “y’a know what? Let’s give these window bars a FATASS” pic.twitter.com/j8Jpp2VFbG
— Allison (G)Reese (@reese_shapiro) November 14, 2021
The other day I told my mom about a lunch meeting I had with someone and she was like “oh did he live in Japan at some point” and I was like “no why” and she was like “I don’t know. just a question to pass the time”
— broti gupta (@BrotiGupta) November 14, 2021
She lost weight. She didn't make a deal with a sea witch. pic.twitter.com/SNzg4QEWs7
— Rohita Kadambi (@RohitaKadambi) November 15, 2021
do u think service dogs think other dogs are losers with no job or do u think they’re jealous of dogs with no job
— ellie schnitt (@holy_schnitt) November 17, 2021