Yes, we all love books here. In fact, you should probably be reading one instead of this website, but come on. You’re on the toilet or the subway right now. That’s no time for mind-expanding fiction.
Sometimes, you want to unwind with a few funny short jokes. Thankfully, that’s really all anyone is posting on Twitter these days (unless you count all the un-Democratic misinformation. There’s always room for that on social media.).
Not everyone is built to write the next great American novel. Some people like to fit their genius ideas into a tweet under 240 characters. That’s good for everyone. We don’t always have the attention span for a long, drawn-out essay about our first sexual experience or a reflection on the pervasive ennui that affects all novelists. None of these people have the attention span to write anything longer, I promise you.
Unless we’re counting a half-hour comedy spec script. Many of the people below have a ton of those. For now, let’s read the funny tweets that deserve a Pulitzer.
Here are the funniest tweets I had time to find this week:
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A crypto company has bought the naming rights to the Staples Center for a record breaking price tag of SEVEN monkey pictures.
— J.P. McDade (@jp_mcdade) November 17, 2021
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I’m single by choice. I mean, not my choice, but you know, someone’s choice.
— Ginny Hogan_ (@ginnyhogan_) November 17, 2021
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Petition to change “et al.” to “and gang” in academia
— cels (@lil_cels) November 15, 2021
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heyyy great party last night 🙂 soooo fun!! wondering if by any chance you found a paper clip ???
— charlie (@chunkbardey) November 22, 2021
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good blurb pic.twitter.com/YgM42ZTy3c
— Alex Shephard (@alex_shephard) November 21, 2021
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“I ate too much free bread and butter and did a mondo shit that broke the toilet here. because they only have one unisex bathroom the manager says I have to apologize to everyone: Boys AND girls” https://t.co/ogpaezGHZu
— eli yudin (@eliyudin) November 14, 2021
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include this scene or gtfo pic.twitter.com/fWO9z8nNmt
— Bill Corbett (@BillCorbett) November 17, 2021
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Has anyone mastered the art of showing their ID and vax card yet? I somehow can’t do it without dropping all my credit cards then accidentally flashing a nude on my phone.
— Isabel Hagen (@isabelhagen_) November 16, 2021
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Got the booster and the nurse administering the shot showed me the label on the syringe like it was a bottle of wine. I was like, “Ah, 2021- wonderful year.”
— Bandgang Nathan Bands (@natefridson) November 15, 2021
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your ducks can also be organized into columns
— Jenna SaysQuoi (@jennasaysquoi) November 14, 2021
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*youth pastor voice*
What about critical Grace theory?
— Patrick McKelvey (@chikntendrqueer) November 13, 2021
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Dying at the description of Pete Davidson's appeal as "manic pixie line cook"
— Zack Budryk (@BudrykZack) November 21, 2021
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Whenever I have to buy a nice gift for someone I don't know every well, I always totally choke and get them like a bag of fancy buttons or three pounds of designer ham.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) November 20, 2021
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TV Idea: “Badgerton." Like Bridgerton but with woodland animals.
— RainnWilson (@rainnwilson) November 22, 2021
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reading for pleasure implies the existence of reading for pain and that’s why we’re all on twitter
— ꧁Madimoiselle꧂ (@drivingmemadi) November 17, 2021
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they said “y’a know what? Let’s give these window bars a FATASS” pic.twitter.com/j8Jpp2VFbG
— Allison (G)Reese (@reese_shapiro) November 14, 2021
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The other day I told my mom about a lunch meeting I had with someone and she was like “oh did he live in Japan at some point” and I was like “no why” and she was like “I don’t know. just a question to pass the time”
— broti gupta (@BrotiGupta) November 14, 2021
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She lost weight. She didn't make a deal with a sea witch. pic.twitter.com/SNzg4QEWs7
— Rohita Kadambi (@RohitaKadambi) November 15, 2021
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do u think service dogs think other dogs are losers with no job or do u think they’re jealous of dogs with no job
— ellie schnitt (@holy_schnitt) November 17, 2021
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